Not much new here. We will finally start going to the orphanage twice a day now that Stephen is feeling better. We are still praying that court will be this Friday, but if not it will be next Monday. We can’t wait! Joe is looking forward to getting home and being back at work although he wishes me and Stephen could come home with him as a family. No matter how many times you hear it or read about how boring it is here…you don’t know until you are actually going through it.
Two families I have been corresponding with via e-mail are due to arrive here soon (one should be here in the morning!) and we are looking forward to meeting them! We feel like veterans here now – lol. I am sure they will be exhausted and excited when they arrive and filled with the anticipation of meeting their child. I certainly can’t say enough positive things about the orphanage, the director and the staff so I am sure they will be made to feel welcome.
I fed Stephen for the first time today! I must have looked quite ridiculous because they made me put on an apron and a cloth around my head (and always the mask). Boy…Stephen can eat! He gets annoyed if it isn’t coming fast enough! They told us that he can’t stand if someone eats or drinks anything in front if him and doesn’t share. Too funny! He also has his standard sign that he is tired – he starts sucking his thumb and looks for the closest soft thing he can get his hands on. It is really cute – he grabs a hold of whatever it may be and uses that same hand to suck his thumb. Too precious! The caretakers always pull his thumb out, but I think it is cute (I am sure I’ll regret it later – lol).
As far as bonding…I hope some of you experienced AP’s can give some insight/advice. We are sure he does not recognize us as “special” people yet. He is also a good baby and easy going, but he has no qualms about anyone at all holding him. At times he doesn’t even seem very interested in us. We realize we are still strangers to him. When did you start to see signs of recognition from your baby? Was there a point when he or she did not want to be held by “strangers” or did the indiscrimination continue for some time? I am always trying hard to gain eye contact with him for a prolonged time, but we are limited by what we can accomplish in an hour and a half. Of course – being a teacher – I read into everything he does and probably overanalyze it all!
How did you approach bonding and attachment in your family?
Monday, March 12, 2007
Not much new...
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14 comments:
Dear Dawn,
I had the same thoughts when we were visiting Gunnar, he didn't seem to care if we came or not & some days it seemed he wanted to get away from us. He also got this "check-out" look, I believe it was his way of coping to change. I only saw his attachment after I brought him to the apartment, I was sharing the place with another AP & her mom & he didn't want to be held by them right away. After a day or 2 he did well. Since we are home the only people he will go to is my parents & of course me & Thad. That's IT! We put him in the nursery yesterday at church & they paged me after 10 min cause he was just a wreck & didn't calm down. I was worried when we were visiting as I thought when would he show that he knows us. At the babyhouse he always came into the room with a "shell-shocked" look on his face, I think there was 1 time when he didn't reach his arms to go back to the caregiver out when visiting time was over in the entire 33 days of visiting! Now he is the most attached baby! He will sob if someone trys to take him other then the people I listed above.
As far as family & attachment/bonding goes, we didn't go away very much at all the first month, we were trying to get him used to being in a new place etc. Extended family has tried to hold him & he wants nothing to do with it! :-) My mom & I are really close & she came & helped me alot when we first came home so he got used to her but it still took him a good month & a half to love her enough to not cry if I wasn't around. You will really see how much you mean to Stephen after he is away from all things familier & you are the only one he knows. I'm so glad to hear every thing is going well, praying hard for you to have court & the God would give you a miracle & waive the waiting period.
Hugs-
Ann
forgot to say... I remember how BORING it was...ughhhh! :-) The running joke between me & my roomates was "how can we kill this day" LOL. anything to make the day go faster! :-) Thankfully the weather was wonderful & I was able to walk alot.
Hugs-
Ann
I felt like our bonding did take time. In the beginning, Elijah would let us hold him, but did not want affection or to be snuggled. It took some time, maybe a month or two before he was giving us hugs and now kisses. He has been home for 5 months now, and is dealing with some major separation anxiety and has been for the past 2 months or so. Bonding really does take time- I expected it to happen overnight but it didn't. Not to worry- it will come! I'm sure it also has to do with being in an orphanage- once you have him on your own he will cling to you because you are all he has. Good luck!!
I'm so glad you posted! I have been following your blog and was starting to get worried about you guys! Glad to hear everything is going well! We are praying that you get your court day asap and that the waiting period is waived! You two/three deserve it! Hope you had a chance to enjoy the Women's Day they just celebrated!
Deanna and Brent
Dawn,
Our son bonded fairly quickly once we left the orphanage. I think Stephen will do the same thing once you are the constant in his life. Right now, you are the visitor to his space, but soon you will be the constant fixture in his space. For the first couple of months we were home, he didn't want anyone but me. He soon started to loosen up and would go to just about anyone. My son is now 7 years old and quite independent, but he still wants his Mama. My prayer is that our daugther will be the same when we bring her home.
I'm glad that things will be coming to a close soon for you. Stephen is going to have a wonderful future with you and Joe. (And, by the way, so will you!)
Shari
Dear Dawn,
We had a 4 week bonding time with Lana due to holidays and it was probably into the 2nd that she showed a desire to stay with me with certain caretakers. Some caretakers, she always preferred them over me. Once out of the babyhouse, she freely went to the coordinator in our region and Almaty, fussed a little with SOS doctor as he was a male, but fine with the nurse.
When we got home, only immediate family was allowed to hold her until she began to develop that stranger anxiety, which took about 3-4 weeks, and then when she chose to go to others, she was then allowed to be held by others....which for about 9 months she was very selective....and definitely veered away from all men. Now, she is friendly to all and will be held by most, but she clearly knows her family.
It took time, but Lana did bond....Stephen will do the same, but I don't think there is any set way....what Ann shared is similar to us and even what Heidi shared is showing signs of bonding and attachment occurring. You and your son will do well.
Will be praying for the court date and for the 15 days to be waived and hope you enjoy the time with the new families coming in too. You have been there for a while and so boredom is very normal...but you will be a great help to those new families.
So happy you are being treated well and that things are smooth now. You sound so "mommy" and happy and I am so happy for you.
Beckie (CPAK Friend)
Dear Dawn
I have experienced both - a bio child and an adoptive child. From what I noticed with my bio child is that even at an early age he did not care who held him, as long as he felt safe. Around 8 months or so he began to recognize that we were "Mom" and "Dad", and would fuss when he was picked up by someone else.
I wouls assume that the orphanage environment changes this a little for younger children since they have multiple caregivers. Give it some time and it will happen.
As far as him not wanting to look at you in the eyes for too long seems to be an orphanage issue. We were told it is called the "orphanage stare". I would actively engage my daughter and try to get he to look at me in the face, but she resisted while at the orphanage. We don't have this problem any longer.
It is amazing what a little time an love can do for a child.
Connie
Dawn, I really don't think he'll realize how special you are until you all are away from the orphanage. I'm sure he'll start lighting up when he sees you more as he starts to feel better and you start having much more fun times, but to really realize you're his mommy and the one and only mommy won't probably come until you're away from there.
Just celebrate the little steps he makes toward you. It'll come.
it took us about 2 - 3 weeks of bonding before he really started to brighten up when we arrived, and look sad when we left.
It was rough when he would perk up when we returned him to the caregivers.
just read your blog for the first time. Holy smokes - your heart and motions must be going nuts. How hard must it be to grieve and have joy and hope and look forward while part of your heart is still behind you.Allat the same time...
I will b praying for guys and for your little boy. I know God will hold the three of you close and help you all fall in love with each other:)He has an amazing way of creating a bond that lasts a life time:)
Julia:)
Dawn,
We started visiting our son just about the time he turned 7 months. It wasn't until our last few days of the 4 weeks we were there that he seemed to care when we returned him to his group. He also had a couple of favorite caretakers and really laughed and smiled for them, far more than we ever got him to. He too was(is) a really happy, easy-going kid. We brought him home at 9 months and he'd let anyone hold him, although he would look around occasionally to see if we were around. We ended up going back to his orphanage to bring our daughter home when he was 11 months old and he wanted NOTHING to do with anyone there. He only wanted to be held by Mom or Dad. He also went through a bit of separation anxiety around 14 months when we brought him to daycare. Now at 15 months he's back to his easy-going self - happy to see his friends in the morning and happy to see us return for him at the end of the day. Hang in there - bonding and attachment take time. Even our bio son (also a happy, easy-going kid) was willing to be held by lots of different people when he was an infant.
Hopefully the weather is improving there and you can get out more. I know exactly what you mean about being bored. When we were stuck inside because it was so cold I thought I'd lose my mind from the boredom. When we were there in the summer it wasn't nearly as bad. Since the days were so long we took long (3-4 hours some days) walks and tried to see as much of the city as we could and take as many pictures as we could even if it was just mundane things like people cleaning the streets or different architecture or shop signs, etc so that we can show the kids when they get older.
I'll keep praying for a Friday court date and continued healing for you and Joe.
Debbie
It will happen. It sounds like you are having good times with him. I'm hoping for court this Friday. Soon all of this will be over and you'll be home as a family.
Right now you are in a familiar surrounding to him, when you leave the orphanage he will definitely change about who you are!
I adopted two babies around 14 mos and they were easily attached to us after we left, but were not so interested in the orphanage.
My daughter was 19 mos and she on the other hand wanted NOTHING to do with mommy after reuniting, when I came to get here, after the 10 day wait. She refused to come near me at the orphanage and did not want me to hold her (It was almost embarassing)... but the minute we left the orphanage together she instantly bonded to me and wanted noone else to touch her. She still is a total mommy's girl a year later!
Don't worry Stephen is in his parents arms now. He knows.
Blessings!
http://itsagirlseyler.spaces.live.com/
I still remember the day my daughter refused to be held by a nurse and wanted me instead. I think it was months after we were home. I do agree that being in the apartment was a turning point, though. In the Baby House she didn't make many noises, then she comes home with us and starts "talking" like crazy.
Maybe it will take a change of location for him to "get" that you two are special and not just two in a long line of caregivers.
Corey Halls :)
Mom to three-year-old Siena Alina
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