Where Do We Go From Here???

Right now I wish I could close my eyes and let someone else do all the decision making for me. We can get a flight out of here on Sunday at 3 am. About six hours after losing Stephen Almagul called and said they had other children for us to see. Joe wanted no part of it…but I went. I cried in the car – I cried in the director’s office – I just want to cry forever.

They showed me a Kazakh baby boy, a Russian three year old boy and a Kazakh baby girl. The Russian boy was cute and sweet, but we did not imagine an older child. They called to say they have another boy to show us in the morning. Again, Joe wants nothing to do with this, so I will go without him. Please pray for my husband…he is inconsolable. He is a sensitive man – not to be misconstrued for weakness, but he loves deeply when he allows someone in and Stephen captured his heart completely. I have not allowed myself to really think about this and grieve out of fear I will break in a million pieces. I feel numb.

I don’t know what to do. I could say “Fine, let’s get on the plane and never look back.” But what would we have at home? An empty nursery, a year of hopes and dreams, not to mention thousands of dollars – all gone, lost, for nothing? How would we move on from the magnitude of that loss? I can’t force my husband to feel anything right now. I can’t imagine he will bond with another baby. I need to have strength and clarity for both of us right now. I need a miracle.

I saw another baby boy this morning that I can't say too much about due to confidentiality issues. He is under a year old and healthy. He is cute. I am trying hard to see past my pain and not compare this baby to Stephen, but it is near impossible. My husband has agreed to see this child tomorrow. We just do not know what the right thing is to do from here.