UPDATE: Some people are asking similar questions. We have nothing to do with AIP anymore...we have an attorney in Ust who would handle everything. We also would not have to do our paperwork over...just a couple of updates.
I honestly don't think that we are going to be able to change the Kazakh governments mind about us having to wait another six months to come back for Stephen. To further complicate things ~ they are also being adamant that we must take the newborn brother. I just don't know what to do about this.
I want more than one child. However, we did not plan to adopt two children under the age of two at the same time. My husband is also much more of a planner and is VERY hesitant to take on two babies with so many unknowns. We have a small house and only one bedroom for the children. We do not know what special needs either of the boys will have considering their mother drank through both pregnancies. Financially, I would be home with the boys the first year and we would be relying on one salary.
I just have no idea what we should do. I do not want to let go of Stephen. I have room in my heart for a hundred children. But it is scary. It is also something my dh and I disagree on. I believe things always have a way of working out. I believe that if we have both Stephen and his brother we are doubly blessed and somehow we will manage...and have more joy than we ever imagined. Bloggers, please...what is your advice and wisdom?
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Dilemma...
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32 comments:
Do it. It will be hard, but so will raising just one. It will be so worth it.
And if that's what it takes for stephen to be your son?
Will you have to submit a new dossier? Your I-171H will be expired correct? I'm thinking if you are going to do it there is a lot to be done and you only have six months. I think if you are going to do it they need to have some thing in writing that you are going for those boys, that you have first priority. Two siblings that young are going to be VERY much sought after. I know it feels like a lot to you right now but it's exactly what a lot of people are looking for. (I'm not saying that because it is for several people it should be what you are looking for, but it's a reality.) If you aren't there the day those kids come off the database, I would be nervous. I would be willing to bet there are going to be people who read this very public blog thinking that if you do not adopt those boys they will.
For me the dilema would not be do I want to raise both boys, for me the huge dilema would be how to try and trust a system that so completely failed you and your son once already.
Also along the same lines, but more part of how to assess how you feel, how would you feel if some one else was adopting the boys? Relieved they had a home and you could move on? Or heartbroken because some one else is raising your son?
I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I would not make it.
Sarah
I have two under two and it is hard, I won't lie. It makes life more difficult and more expensive because you can't rely on hand-me-downs, you have to buy everything in twos. Would I ever change anything- NO. I love my boys and can't imagine life without them.
My advice- they'll never remember living in a small home or sharing a room or not having a lot of stuff. They'll only remember you and the love you gave them. With that being said- it is also important for you and your husband to be on the same page. I hope you are able to come to a decision together.
You have to decide what is best, but I would advise bringing Stephen and his brother home....I think you would do just fine....it would most definitely be hard at first, but you will be doubly blessed after those initial days of adjusting are over and I don't think you would ever regret your decision.
Sarah's questions are good to consider, especially how you would feel if someone else got Stephen now to love and raise.
Best in all of this and hope our gov't can bring some justice to this for you and the boys.
Beckie
3 words... GO FOR IT! Even though I only have 1 child, I am a single Mom and have had much of the same delimma you are going through now. How am I going to afford this? Is our home big enough? Can I handle this? And the answer is YES! You can do this! It will be tough, but once you get into a routine and get things organized, it acutally gets easier. As far as providing for the boys, you will be just fine. The Lord will provide. As Heidi said, these boys will only remember Joe and Yourself and love you gave them, not the material things they may have had or not had. In the end you have to do what is right for Joe and Yourself, but following your journey, I do believe you were given this challenge for a reason. You are strong enough to do this!
p.s. I agree with the posters that say go for it. In terms of rasing the boys, providing for them, you can do it. It's so true that it's your love they will hang on to, not the material things or the size of their room. We have a 6 bedrooms but the way things turned out two of our girls still share a room and there are no issues. They like the help cleaning it up! ;) You have been through so much. Raising two babies- you can do. But I know there is so much more to it. You will make the best decision for your family, I have 100% confidence in you!!
First, remember to pray about this! If it's the right thing, both you and your hubby will feel that it's right. I agree with everyone else though, GO FOR IT! We have three children, all 11 months apart from the next, all adopted. When we brought our girls home last year the kids were 2,3, and 4. It's NOT easy but I wouldn't trade it for the world. And, remember, they are only young once and time goes by quickly. Once they are school age, it will be so nice to have two so close in age. They will likely grow up to be best friends in addition to brothers. We pray about your situation everyday.
Laurel
Our son was 23 months when our daughter came along, and only home 7 months from Kaz. It is tough, but WONDERFUL! You make it work because you have to, and you do a lot of laughing and crying :) If it were me, I'd do it in a heartbeat, but only you can decide what's best for you.
GOOD LUCK!!
Take them both, I agree with another comment, it will be hard but its hard having one & if the are going to make you wait...how much fun (and work) to have 2 little guys running around. I would also try to get something in writing, hey they are trying to make you take both so THEY need to hold up their end ya know. The boys will not remember how much/little they had, how big/small their home is. They will remember your love & devotion to them. I will be praying for you & Joe, this is tough!!
Hugs-
Ann
Maybe this is the reason all of this happened to you! God wants you to have both little brothers and what a story you will have to tell your son's some day.
I am a single Mom who came home from Kaz 6 month ago with a beautiful little boy. It's not easy and I expect it will get a lot more difficult as I just recently lost my job as punishement for having to spend 3 months in Kaz in order to get my son home safely. Do I care...NO. I would do it all over again just to be with my son. The material things don't matter. As long as you have a roof over your head and can put food on the table the love you have for them will carry you the rest of the way. And you will find a way.
If you can bring both boys home at the same time it is just the most wonderful opportunity. You do have to be very wary of what the "powers that be" in Kazakhstan tell you. It is one of the most corrupt systems I know of.
What you are doing is amazing.
I hope you can bring AIP down and after that some of the other corrupt agencies will come tumbling down.
It's about time that the American Embassy got involved. When I talked to them while in Almaty I was basically told. We are aware of what is going on. We dont' want to rock the boat in Kaz(way to much OIL over there) and our relations with Kaz President is excellent.
Good Luck Dawn and Joe you deserve the very best after what you have been through.
Bernadette
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason ---even though many times we cannot understand why we are put through h@!! to get to our end destination.
You have the biggest heart and I know you will have no problem caring for these children and I am sure once they are home safely Joe will never regret the decision to adopt both!
Oh man, take this from a woman who has 7 kids and wants another.
DO IT.
You will regret it if you don't.
We have no money now, zilch left...but if I got the call that Abby's bmom had another, I would be on a plane to Guatemala tomorrow.
This all happens for a reason. Don't hesitate! Trust God and have faith. (I know easy for me to say I have not dealt with Orson and his lies, but if you believe your agency, I would do it)
Dawn, it is a huge decision and we have talked about this. I think the severe issues that the youngest child could be facing really need to be looked at. Having said that, if anyone can handle a baby with disabilities it is you. I support whatever decision you make but if Sophie had a bio sibling I would do everything in my power to adopt that child.
My theory in life about really tough decisions is to analyse the long term implications (how will this affect me now and later). Is this a short term sacrafice for a long term goal? Can I afford that sacrafice?
And more effective is the question, "how will this decision affect how I sleep at night."
I think you have to weigh how you would feel if you brought those two little guys home vs how you would feel about them being adopted by another family and/or never knowing what happens to them, because that is what you will think about later.
I am sure they will be adopted if the court system allows them to be adopted before they get older (the older they get, the less likely they will be adopted).
Another question: Being that they don't reserve children, is this a special enough situation that they will they reserve these two for you or is there a possibility/probability that you could get there and find them adopted already?
Good luck - and my heart goes out to you.
We knew we wanted two, just not really sure if we wanted them both at the same time. I fact, my husband was pretty clear that we should do it one at a time. But as we discussed it more, it became more of a discussion of how would we adopt a second time? I know many have, but we didn’t know if we’d be able to take the first child with us, what would happen to attachment if we left the first child with family for our second adoption journey, what if we never had the time to pull together a second dossier, how would we afford it (adopting two at once, the cost difference was marginal)? We knew that it would be hard to bring home two at once, but even harder (for us) to ever go back. Even so, we were adament they couldn’t be too close in age, we asked for an infant and a 4-5yo. Well we were shown an 11mo and 23mo and the rest is history. By the way, we have a 4-bedroom house, but both of them share a room… it has really helped them forge a bond. They are not bio siblings but they are very close to each other now. I think sharing a room would be great for Stephen and his brother because, in all likelihood, they will not meet each other prior to being adopted.
Don’t do it if it doesn’t feel right, but I wanted to let you know of our perspective on a similar arrangement. From the outside looking in, is seems like it is meant to be.
Dawn and Joe,
Let me first say that you, the boys, and your decisions will be in my prayers.
My husband and I have looked at these scenarios ourselves and come up with the following:
My husband told me, going into Russia that he would not be taking any surprise siblings home. This broke my heart, but as spouses, we have to be on the same page. We can't ask each other to do more than we are able/willing. It just won't work in the long run. When we got to Russia to adopt ZsaZsa, of course we found out about two brothers. Of course I knew from that first second we could not pursue their adoption. It just wasn't in my husbands heart. Things will all work out either way for you there.
Second point. The kids health. I would do everything possible to find out about their health & development needs/issues before you commit to bringing them both home. I don't even know if you know anything about the sibling. Or if his issues are anything you want or can tackle. Just be honest with yourself about what you can and are willing to do for your children, and pray.
Lastly, we've had to ask ourself in this journey since we lost our daughter in Russia, what do we want to do so that we don't have regrets in 5yrs, 10yrs, 20yrs......
After we went to Russia to adopt ZsaZsa, finalized all that, then found out we could not bring her home, we were dumbstruck. We had many of the hardest decisions to face in our marriage. Alot of it came down to "where do we want to be in 20yrs? What do we have to do to make that happen?" Then we looked at our finances, which we had none left after spending $40K on our Russian adoption that got us nothing but involved in a criminal lawsuit and the FBI prosecution against our old agency. Sigh. Exhausting. Expensive (more funds being spent on that).
In 20 years we want to be with our larger family. We sucked it up and took the path to make this happen. But that's just us.
Prayers & hugs for you, Esther
I had two under two as well. Now, one just turned 3 and the other will be 5 soon. It was hard in the beginning. The 1st year is purely survival mode; just anticipating and meeting their needs with pretty much nothing else beyond that. BUT, after the 1st year and ever since, it has been a complete blessing to have two close together. They are SO close and mean the world to each other. And, it's not twice the baby gear and twice the money. At least it wasn't for me. There's a lot of sharing, the same interests at the same time and nothing goes to waste. I currently have the room so that they don't need to share but I didn't in the beginning and we, too, lived off of one (low) income. There were struggles but I wouldn't trade that time with them and what we have now for ANYTHING in this entire world. We made it, things are great and they will keep getting better. There were even unanticipated health issues that we've dealt with.
But, parenthood is a gamble. There are no guarantees when you do everything "right", as well as when you screw up royally (as in the case of Stephen's bio mom). You can have a perfect situation, with good health, enough bedrooms & money to go around, then have something go wrong. You can't anticipate a curve ball. Afterall, would you have ever anticipated what you are going through now?
Regardless of what the future holds for Stephen and the baby, I believe that you both would handle it with grace, dignity, and skill. You would seek help if you needed it, love, care for & do the best for your children, ENJOY you family regardless of what arises and, most importantly, all of you would have the family that you long for and deserve. I have no doubt that whatever path you choose, you will be blessed.
Hi Dawn, Our kids (both adopted) are 21 months apart- 2 adoptions in 2 years. The first year was tough but now the kids are 2 and 4 and it's great that they are so close in age -(most days).
You are Joe have been thru so much and the decision has to be one you both agree on. I wish you luck and peace with your decision, my gut says go for it!
We adopted a son from Kaz last summer and one from Guatemala this summer. They are 16 months apart.
They really enjoy playing with each other, especially with the little one watching the bigger one.
Coming home with the first was a challenge becuase he needed constant attention from me. Bringing home the second was a lot easier beucase the 1st son, 2 years old, was able to play with the younger son so it was less stressful for me.
Feeding and bath time is crazy, and wil become crazier when i go back to work, but it will be easier as time goes on.
Having 2 adopted kids so young is a lot easier than having the 2nd be a newborn whihc requires A LOT more attention.
I am glad we have 2 boys. They share a room becuase the Kazakh likes to have a room-mate. When they get older we may move them to seperate rooms, but for now, they enjoy babbling and watchng each other at night.
We received a lot of clothes from friends as hand-me-downs, so that was really not an added expense, and they really only use 7 or 8 outfits.
As for the disabilities, see fi you can get photos of both children and have an International Adoption dr evaluate them for signs of FAS. We used Dr. Gail Farber at CHOP in Philadelphia and were very happy.
Dawn,
As a parent who has adopted a child with special needs, I do believe that you and Joe do need to agree on this. Pray that God would give you both the same desire and He will direct you.
As I read the "Our Daily Bread" devotion today, I thought of you. I copied it below.
With many hugs and tears for you, Brenda
July 25, 2007
Be doers of the Word, and not hearers only. —James 1:22
Megan’s Heart
When Megan was in third grade, she kept coming home from school without her winter gloves. It drove her mom crazy because she had to keep buying new ones, which the family couldn’t afford. One day Mom got angry and said, “Megan, you’ve got to be more responsible. This can’t go on!”
Megan began to cry. Through her tears she told her mom that as long as she kept getting new gloves, she could give hers away to kids who didn’t have any.
Now at age 18, Megan’s hobbies include volunteering in the community and mentoring inner-city kids. Referring to her desire to help people, she said that it “felt like that was the kind of thing I was supposed to be doing.”
As Christians, we too are to have a heart of giving. James tells us to listen to the Word and do what it says (1:22-23). But he doesn’t stop with just telling us to obey. He gives us specific instructions about what we must do. Then he gives us a practical way we can give of ourselves: “Visit orphans and widows in their trouble” (v.27).
Ask God for a heart like Megan’s. Out of love for God, obey what He tells you to do. It’s what we’re “supposed to be doing.” —Anne Cetas
Give as ’twas given to you in your need,
Love as the Master loved you;
Be to the helpless a helper indeed,
Unto your mission be true. —Wilson
© Renewal 1952 The Rodeheaver Co.
You can give without loving, but you can’t love without giving.
We adopted from Ukraine, went for 1, found out she had a sibling and came home with 2. Yes, it's hard, but would be easier in the long run-you wouldn't have to start this whole process again. Oh, not unless you decide you just HAVE to have a girl.....
If there are any alcohol effects, they won't show up until much later (typically school age) and are just things you deal with when and if they happen
Dawn & Joe,
We adopted our son from Russia in 2000 and know that he has a sibling. I would give anything to find out about that child. Is it a boy or girl? It is with his birth mother or adopted somewhere? Is it in the system in Russia? I know Taylor will have those questions someday and if we had the opportunity to bring his sibling home, we would. Our daugher is from Kaz and right now she does not have any siblings. I don't know if she ever will. But I have to tell you that Knowing that Taylor has one nags at my heart. Perhaps if we didn't know, it wouldn't be that way.... Just another thought to add to your stress.... I would try to adopt both.
Dawn,
Molly and Aidan were 9 months old when we arrived home from Kaz. We were overwhelmed at first but not because there were two but more so because we were brand spanking new parents who had spent the last 15 years as DINKs. Somehow we managed. No one can really prepare you for the challenges of parenting and this isn't dependent on the number of children you have.
True this is not what you planned for and it feels like more than you can handle but to me it seems to be a Blessing. You will manage. And like someone else said all that everyone will remember is the love and unique traditions that will make up your family.
Have two so close in age is not always a bed of roses but I wouldn't have it any other way.
I will be praying for you.
Wow! I can't imagine how hard all of this has been. I successfully adopted two children - a boy from Russia in 1999 and a girl from Kaz in 2002. When I brought my baby boy home from Russia I had a bio child (boy) under the age of 2. I have faced many challenges with my Russian child that I had no idea about when I adopted him - but I love him and am very proud of how far he has come. He has a wonderful bright future ahead of him. My two boys and daughter are SO close to each other and such a joy to parent. Don't get me wrong -somedays it is VERY difficult - that is just the nature of parenting I guess - regardless if your children are adopted or bio.
I believe that everyone that has responded on this blog has adopted (or are close to) a child. Of course the overwhelming response is going to be GO FOR IT! We all know first hand what a wonderful thing this can be. But in the end the decision will be up to you and Joe. What decision will bring you the most peace? Will you live your life with regrets if you decide not to adopt these children? I agree with Sarah - there isn't much time if the children are available in 6 months. It is real easy for me to sit here and say GO GET THOSE BABIES, but ultimately only you and Joe can answer that question.
Best of luck - I know in the end the two of you will make the decision that is right for you.
Dawn
Only you and Joe can ultimately decide what to do, and no one has the right to judge you for any decision you make.
Having said that, as an adoptive mom myself, I believe that you should bring home both Stephen and his brother. Of course it will be challenging, but as others have said, the kids won't care about a small house or tight budget, and what an incredible gift you would be giving to them to be able to grow up together. And of course you would have double the joy too!
I know it's not that easy, there are many things to think about. But you said it yourself ... things do have a way of working out, and God has a master plan - perhaps this is what He planned for your family all along?
I do hope that whatever you decide you and Joe are both at peace with it and that you have the happy ending you so deserve.
Jodi
Only you and Joe can decide but the question I think of first is will you regret not adopting Stephen in the future? Will you think about him the rest of your life? Will it cause you pain to think about it? Once someone else adopts him how will you feel?
Then ask yourself if you are able to handle a child with some issues. Maybe Stephens brother will turn out fine. You are a school teacher and I am reading your book and so far from what I have read I believe you can handle it, not having met you it's hard for me to say but Muriel feels your able to do this.
I have a brother who is 18 months younger than me. People thought we were twins and he was a handful. I am so grateful to have him so close in age. Yes I'm sure my mom was tired, she was 39 when she had him and never has had a regret. You just do what you have to do. You and Joe seems to have a great relationship and I'm sure it would work out between the two of you. It would be great to have Stephen grow up with his brother. There is no greater gift you could give to him.
I wish you all the best.
Wow, you have a difficult decision. I would want written confirmation first that the b-mom or any other family member could not step forward and try to claim these kids again. That they are totally free and clear. Then I would go wholehog for it. You know I have two kids that are 10 months apart in age. Everyone told me I was crazy to go for two. That one is hard enough. I cannot imagine life without them. I never regret our decision. And yes, (unlike what someone said above) you can use hand-me-downs for at least one of them if you know someone with a boy. I use my nephews clothes and add a few for K. O's I mostly buy myself, but one of my friends has said she has a couple of things to lend her. So it works itself out. I am always giving away K's stuff after he can't fit. If you want them, they are yours. The kids grow out of them so quickly, they look in good condition. This is a big decision that only you and your husband can make. I pray you come to terms with it quick and feel comfortable with your decision.
I would do it too. Of course, we adopted bio sibs who are 15 months apart in age, and it has been hectic at times. Their case is similar to Stephen and his brother's in that their mother was also very young and drank (possibly did drugs) throughout her pregnancies. However, her young age worked in our favor on that count because the alcoholism wasn't really established enough to result if FAS. Both our kids are perfectly healthy, smart, and happy. I would review the info you have on Stephen with an IA doc and ask his/her opinion about the possibility of learning disabilities or other special needs (beyond those that result simply from spending time in an orphanage). Maybe they will second what our doc said about Inna's young age working in the kids' favor.
Also, keep in mind that they will only be two kids under two for a very short time. As they grow older they will be able to keep each other entertained and could wind up as the best of friends.
Best of luck with your decision.
Yikes! What a decision to have to make after all you've been through. My 2C: When we were there (same time as you BTW) we were told we could adopt sibs. We didn't go for it, but more because of how far apart they were in age...2 & 7. We had some of the same issues with space & finances, but ultimately decided their developmental and emotional needs would be so completely different that we wouldn't be able to be good parents to both. Maybe right decision, maybe not, but it was the right one for us. In any event, I guess what I'm saying is that with the boys fairly close in age, that part of the struggle would be diminished. And as someone (Terri?) said, they can and probably should share a room.
Another BTW - where did society's need for everyone to have their own room come from - I shared all my life and learned some valuable lessons! But that's an aside.
And my final thought: My 14 MO son is growing out of his clothes so quickly they need a new home, and still look new. I'd be happy to have them go to other KZ boys! And his Aunties keep buying lovely stuff from places I can't afford, so the stuff will keep flowing! Just send me an address.
Dawn,
My children are 1 week shy of being 2 yrs apart. It works out,and sometimes your pulling your hair out. But you now have the chance of a lifetime, to not only adopt 1 child, but 2 both of the same mother. Go for it....this chance may never come again.
I won't lie to you, at first it will be hard, but they will become the joy of your life. As they grow into young adults they grow to depend on each other and that closeness between they will never end. Even when one is far away.
Don't let having 2 children scare you.
You will look back one day and wonder how ever did I do it, as I do sometimes..... But I wouldn't trade a moment.
I wish you and Joe only the best..
Debbie...WMS
Its hard having two at the same time. I won't kid you, its the hardest thing I've ever done. But, my experience was that its worth every bit of it. (The kids won't be used to having their own room anyway.)
But, its easy for me to sit back and say "do it", and its not me. You have your marriage to consider and finances, as well as the possibility of raising a disabled child. Those are not small things. I will be praying for you guys. You've been through enough already.
I have two boys also 2 years apart almost to the day. They are such great friends and really love being together and entertaining themselves...it has been such a joy for them to have this bond and develop this relationship..they are 4 and 2 years and I look forward to watching their relationship continue to grow.
How great it could be for Stephen and his bio brother too. It of course is a hard choice to start off the bat with two kids but if you are considering more than one child for your family anyway how nice for both brothers to stay together. If this was happening to me,I might think it would be harder to explain to Stephen someday that I had the opportunity to bring his baby brother home too and chose not to. Would he wonder where he is and if he is okay or even try to search for him? Would I also wonder too?
These are hard decisions to make esp when wondering also about health problems...you, Stephen and his brother will be in my thoughts.
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