The Winner of My First PIF Book Exchange...

Okay - there were only two people who entered. Where are all my bloggers? Congrats to OW at Overwhelmed With Joy!

One Day Left to Enter the Pay It Forward Book Exchange!

I will select a winner tomorrow - so if you want a chance to win the book I Choose This Day leave a comment (see below.)

Sweet Story

The title of this post has a link that takes you to a sweet story about two boys who grew up being best friends and then discovered they are brothers!

My First Pay It Forward Book Exchange!

I am having my first Pay It Forward Book Exchange hosted by Overwhelmed With Joy. The book I am giving away is I Choose This Day by Sharon Fieker:
To enter to win you must leave a comment here on this blog and be a US resident. I will choose a winner on the last day of this month so be sure to check back! To see more book give aways go over and check out Overwhelmed With Joy!

The New American Family ~ Let's Lose the Labels

The New American Family ~ Let's Lose the Labels

Written by Lee Woodruff

I've been thinking a lot about people's definitions of family. There seem to be so many more options today about how families are configured. Nicole Ritchie's pregnancy bump, stalked and photographed like the dodo bird, caught my eye in the airport on the cover of a celebrity weekly magazine. Nicole, of course, being just one of many in a long line of high-profile, single, unwed moms. There was a day when this kind of news would have set disapproving tongues a-wagging. Now the speculation is more about whether or not the poor gal has enough meat on her bones to carry a child to term. For the most part, people seem to be fairly blasé and accepting of her single parenthood. Although I'm quite sure moral outrage still lurks in neighborhoods and pulpits throughout America.

I'm old enough that I still have one foot in the era where it was shameful, downright socio-pariah stuff for a girl to become pregnant with no husband. I remember well the wedding of a friend I grew up with who walked down the aisle sprouting her own bump on her wedding day. I remember clearly the muffled conversation of the matrons in hushed tones and their disapproving, eyebrow-raising shorthand. The message was -- maybe good girls do it -- but the smart ones hide the evidence.

Before my time, heck, probably during my time, unwed moms were "sent away" disappearing mysteriously in the night when their delicate condition began to show. Movies and books always seem to depict them being banished to cruel aunts' houses in the plains states or all girls homes, religious institutions which must have provided as much fun as watching a chemically-infused Twinkie harden in the open air.

And now, here we are, proudly proclaiming from the pages of OK and Star magazine the triumphant bump-hunt. Poor JLo seems to be on constant bump watch, as does fading honeymooner Nicole Kidman, or the stalked-like-a-gazelle Angelina Jolie. God forbid the poor young things just had an extra fish taco that day, and the evidence bulged over their low-rider waistbands. Some of them are so waiflike that a simple case of constipation could be considered a suspicious bump these days.

So as a culture, we've taken the flaming scarlet "A" out of bringing a baby into the world solo. And now we've moved on to viewing single parent adoption as de rigeur. Once it would have been deemed a bold move to adopt a child alone. Sheryl Crow recently adopted a baby boy, a single Meg Ryan added a Chinese daughter to her son, to name a few. Of course, the celebs we see doing it have plenty of means to offset the hardship --- nannies, cooks, personal trainers all must surely ease the fatigue and downright loneliness at times of single parenthood. But I see regular Joes and Josies know doing it, too. Single women who have missed the call of the ovaries and decided they wanted to be mothers are going the route of foreign adoptions -- without the fat wallet and with full knowledge that this will be an exhausting, sometimes isolating undertaking, a juggling act with three rings and two hands. But one with a huge pay-off, nonetheless.

Thanks to Brangelina, we have ushered in a new level of acceptability for the blended family. They've created a wonderful patchwork quilt of adopted and home grown brood, from different continents and cultures, some just hers legally? Some his, too? Who knows, does it matter? While for decades, friends have been adopting from China or Russia or the former Soviet Union, Brad and Angie put the "cool" stamp on multi-ethnic families.

So here is the thing I still don't get. Flipping through my guilty pleasure celeb rag on an airplane recently, I stumbled over an article about Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman's kids. The thing was that the reporter used the word "adopted" kids. And it struck me as a little too much information. These kids have to be in their teens. Haven't they now logged enough time in the family to qualify as just plain "kids" rather than focusing on the way they came into the family? I don't hear people refer now to Joan Lunden's surrogate twins. Or furthermore -- people don't say -- "his missionary position child and the one by IVF."

Our family had just such an untraditional formation in 2000 when we used a gestational carrier to bring our twin daughters into the world. I'd had a hysterectomy after losing a child, our third, and after looking at many options, Bob and I decided to give surrogacy a shot. It was a lot more bizarre then, let me tell you. We had a lot of "splaining" to do in the neighborhood once we announced the news. But I'm quite sure they'd feel affronted or bemused if we referred to our girls as "the implanted embryos." We could meet with a little resistance on that one. It's a sure path to a couch in the shrink's office. We've been very open with our twins about how they came into the world. I dare them to say that with all that effort and all those needle jabs of hormones we didn't want them fiercely, desperately. This was no spontaneous tryst on a summer night during a blackout. But the rigors of IVF are way beside the point when describing my girls. In fact, come to think of it, due to laws that haven't caught up with the technology of fertility, we actually had to legally adopt our own biological kids once they were born. So, truth be told, they are adopted too. Like Tom and Nic's two kids, or Brad and Angie's brood, it's simply old news. Absolutely unimportant.

When my husband Bob Woodruff was in a coma after having been hit by an IED while covering the war in Iraq for ABC News, our family went through its toughest trial yet. When it became apparent Bob wasn't waking up, I came to terms with the fact that it was time for my children to see their father, however frightening that sight might be.

In a moment I will remember forever, my eldest daughter approached her father for the first time in his hospital bed, his brain swollen out of his head with a traumatic brain injury from the blast. The side of his face was disfigured, his skin peppered with hundreds of tiny rocks and dirt that had been packed around the bomb.

In a supreme act of love and hope that her Daddy was still in there somewhere, Cathryn leaned over Bob's good side to play the "kissing game" -- their father-daughter routine of kissing as long as they could on the phone when Bob was covering stories long distance.

"Daddy," she said in a soft but amazingly brave voice. "You have to wake up, we all need you to come home."

What happened next was the first sign to me that my husband was in there. As Cathryn kissed his "good" cheek, a tear ran out of Bob's eye and down his face. We both screamed for the nurse to come and see -- proof that somewhere in that swollen, damaged brain, Bob recognized his daughter.

"There is a connection there of blood and of DNA," the doctor had told me. "It's a genetic connection that is stronger than his bond with you -- no matter how much he loves you."

I've thought a lot about what she said to me that day. And I've thought about it in terms of my friends with adopted kids. Would that connection to their dad be any less strong? Would a "mere" adopted child have been able to reach her father that way?

I'm no parenting expert to be sure. And I don't have all the facts on the nature/nurture debate. But I do know all kinds of families, families who love their children, no matter what their color, genetic make-up or how they came into the world. They love them with all their hearts, genetics be damned.

I'd like to think love does conquer all. The supreme bond between a parent and child is sacred, whether they came into the family with a donated egg or from an orphanage in Mali. I think its time we lose the labels and be grateful that there are loving homes, open arms and people willing to get down in the trenches of parenthood and slog it out. Every single exhausting, lonely and wonderfully rewarding day.

Join Our Book Group!

I just created a book discussion group centered around Adoption Education and Reform for anyone who is interested in adoption. I hope to have open and honest conversations from mulitple viewpoints and perspectives.

CLICK HERE TO CHECK IT OUT :)

Agency Background Check

Joni Fixel of Fixel Law Offices, PLLC is now offering a priceless service for PAPs~ and Agency Background Check. I am so excited that PAPs will have a viable means to avoid being bilked out of money and having their hopes and dreams destroyed. You can read about these services here:

Agency Background Check

What's New...

There are three things I wanted to share with you. The first, is that a group of adoption fraud victims are contributing authors on my newest blog and it is worth checking it out: http://www.cribsandcrimes.blogspot.com/. There is a TON of information there including links to artiles, lawsuits against adoption agencies, helpful resources to avoid scams and fraud, the stories and heartache of many as well as advice from those who have "been there ~ done that".

Second, is a blog I created for those who have experienced an adoption loss. With the recent closing of Guatemala I realize there are likely more than a few grieving PAPs out there. There are also more PAPs than one would hope who have gone through the excrucating experience of loving and bonding with a child only to lose him or her for any number of reasons. That blog is http://www.adoptionloss.blogspot.com/.

Lastly, Ethica is presently raising money and, in my opinion, they are THE most worthy, independent voice for ethical adoptions. You can donate ~ see my sidebar.

Adoption Agency Research Questionnaire

I created an Adoption Agency Research Questionnaire to assist PAPs while they are gathering information. I wish I had asked more questions and spent more time on the research and information gathering part of our journey. I hope this helps PAPs avoid some of the pitfalls along the way. Permission is granted to use for personal purposes only. Click the title of this post to download this document. Thanks! :) Dawn

NY Times Article

This article is about the many agencies going out of business and not being able to meet Hague Accreditation. It also mentions Waiting Angels and Orson Mozes (Adoption International Program, Inc.) which was co-owned by Christen Brown.

PLEASE HELP WITH MY SURVEY

I posted this survey about international adoption and e-mailed a few people as well...THANK YOU if you took the survey! I need 47 more participants to take the survey. So, please - it is not that long. Just click the link above :)

THANKS! Dawn

***The survey to the right in the sidebar is a different one.***

Infertility Etiquette

Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

• They will eventually conceive a baby.
• They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
• They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.

• IVF is Expensive with Low Odds
• One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.
• IVF is Physically Taxing. Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.
• IVF Raises Ethical Issues: Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.

Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF
On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.

If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don't Play Doctor
Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:

• Blocked fallopian tubes
• Cysts
• Endometriosis
• Low hormone levels
• Low "normal form" sperm count
• Low progesterone level
• Low sperm count
• Low sperm motility
• Thin uterine walls

Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.

Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby. Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law. Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Mother's Day is Devastating for Women Facing Infertility

Mother's Day is Devastating for Women Facing Infertility

Community Mourns Laura Cleaves

PLEASE TAKE A SURVEY...

Please take my survey if you have adopted or attempted to adopt internationally. Another survey will be launched in the near future for those who have adopted or attempted to adopt domestically.

CLICK HERE TO GO TO SURVEY

You may only take the survey ONCE from your IP address.

I Would Die for That (...me too)

Rest in Peace Laura

Laura Cleaves, the Supervising Santa Barbara District Attorney Investigator for the criminal case against Orson Mozes, was killed last night in a three car collision by a drunk driver. Laura has been the driving force in this investigation and someone we have all come to respect and admire a great deal. She put her heart into her work and all of the AIP victims are grieving her loss and praying for her family at this tragic time. God Bless Laura and her family.