Well, after leaving a not-so-upbeat message on Lauren and Marco's blog I figured that I needed to vent. Ummm...yes, can I get a grande mocha bitch latte with whip cream? I am feeling annoyed and it's best to just admit it and move beyond it. The other evening my mother-in-law was over and saw the nursery for the first time. She loved it! We all sat and had some cake and coffee and were chatting about the baby when she asked us if we were going to baptize him. Yes, we are, but we are not a member of a church yet. Without getting off topic - my DH is Catholic and I am protestant. We have discussed how we'll raise our son and decided the denomination is not as important to us as finding a good, supportive church fellowship. So, we chatted on this topic a little longer and I told her that I have already looked online at some outfits for that blessed day.
Okay, so she goes into the "slow down, you're getting too far ahead of yourself" speech and goes on to say that she doesn't even think it was a good idea for my best friend to plan the baby shower so soon (it is in August). I was really biting my tongue, but boiling a the same time. I explained to her that Joe and I are QUITE aware of the possibility of losing our referral (which seems to be the norm with the agency we are using), but that I cannot go through the waiting period numbing and masking my excitment and not nesting or enjoying all the things any expectant mother should...including a shower. She didn't seem to get this point of view. So I explained that it is comparable to being seven months pregnant, but spending every day of the pregnancy telling yourself "Yes, but the baby might be stillborn/deformed, yada, yada, yada." She asked "What will you feel like if something happens to this referral? You'll be devastated!"
Okay, so I am sure you get the picture. My DH stepped in and steered the conversation away from this topic (thankfully). Why do I, or any AP, have to justify my feelings, excitment, nesting, etc...? Why are my actions not as valid as a woman expecting through pregnancy!?! Can I also tell you that if one more person (especially those who have alredy been informed) asked me when our baby is coming home I am going to scream! How many times do I have to say that I have no control over this process and it sucks!!?? If I have any updates I will undoubtedly inform everyone. Why is it that I try my best to tactfully answer questions (even the stupid ones) but others do not seem concerned with tact???
I know that most of you on this journey have experienced these feelings. I just feel like I could use more positive and insightful support rather than uninformed and ignorant remarks from those closest to me.
Monday, July 24, 2006
A Cup of Complaints
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5 comments:
Dawn, I had the same vent on the Kz Yahoo group about 2 weeks ago...might want to search for the notes of wonderful advice and support I got.
When bopping someone over the head isn't an option (!), I find that a deep breath and a change of topic helps (as does a subsequent trip to the gym!).
Best wishes.
I always say if you're going to have the lows of losing a referral (which won't happen!), then you might as well have the HIGHS of expecting your baby. I'm all for getting your hopes up as high as they'll go. The thing is that no one would ever say that to a pregnant woman. And that's what is so annoying, because your situation is no different.
Dawn- I'm sorry you're having to justify your actions to your MIL. Unfortunately, you're going to find that because you're adopting, you'll be expected to justify your actions a lot more than other parents might.
Bottom line, you do what's best for you and your husband and tune out everyone else...change the topic, be blunt and tell people the topic is not open for discussion, whatever you have to do.
I think you've been on my blog before but we adopted our son and I wrote a series of 10 posts (entitled, It wasn't supposed to work this way!) outlining our adoption journey. I think I talk about some of these issues in there.
Hang in there. It'll all work out in the end. You go ahead and have the baby shower and purchase outfits for your future child if it pleases you! And try not to let others take away your excitement!
Oh yes we all have those people in our lives who just don't get it. I must admit I'm not too good and handling those kinds of remarks and people get the hint pretty quickly not to make them. I find the older they are the more foreign the concept of adoption and the more dumb comments. Sorry, but the only thing to do is not talk about it, or learn to ignore it!
I went into my adoption whole-heartedly. I loved from day one, decorated the room (even with their names), filled the closets, bought toys, car seats, clothes, put pictures of the kids up, arranged programming for school (one of our children had special needs), had an ENORMOUS shower, shouted from the roof to anyone who could hear me... I don't regret one moment of any of it, despite losing those kids. They were my children, and I deserved to celebrate them. You can't live thinking about the, "what-ifs." I am so thankful for all of those moments despite not bringing home those children. Celebrate your child with everything you have...there really is no other way.
Michelle
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