Perspectives on Adoption

I am so caught up in the beautiful picture that I have in my mind of our forever family being united and living happily ever after that I rarely think about the pitfalls associated with adoption...pitfalls far beyond the paperwork and travel, but deeper emotional pitfalls that our child may experience. I came across some new blogs today and the perspectives are startling. Startling is the only word I can think of - it's like when you are a kid raised in an all Catholic neighborhood and one day meet a Jew. You are startled...you never knew anyone thought any differently or could actually not believe in Jesus. My Jewish friends have shared similar stories of the reverse so I know I am not alone here. Well, there are people out there who are not proponents of adoption. Pause...I'll give you a chance to catch your breathe ;-)

So after reading some postings on these blogs (and getting ticked off at a few of them) I had a flashback. As you know I am a middle school teacher. There is a student that I had last school year - who I will call Ann - who is adopted (domestically). She would talk very openly about it with me and expressed how one day she would like to meet her birthmother (this was a private conversation we had). I prodded...she was aware that I am adopting and I was curious and glad to be able to get her perspective. She said that her birthmother was poor and young and gave her up because she wanted her to have a better life. Obviously, this is what she was taught by her parents and I think it is wonderful. I have not idea if the message is accurate or not, but that it beside the point since this is Ann's truth.

One day, the students were working on a project in class, so the students were having conversations that were not always academically related :-) I was listening to a conversation taking place in Ann's group. There was a boy in her group that didn't exactly like Ann. He was a nice boy, but he thought Ann was annoying (and truth be told she could be too chatty). She made a comment about being adopted and the boy said "Oh, I'm sorry." Well, Ann was taken back and looked at him like he had ten heads. "What!?! What's wrong with adoption? Mrs. D is adopting a baby!" Hmm...here we go. I stood by and allowed this dialogue to continue since nobody was out of hand and both were speaking respectfully. The boy said he didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and Ann told him she wanted to know, really, what he thought was wrong with adoption. So, he replied "a lot!" He went on to say "I wouldn't want to be adopted and not know who my parents were. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. I would think about it all the time and want to know who they were, what they looked like, and why they gave me up."

Ann gave her point of view and explained that her parents have told her about her birthparents, etc... He rebutted by saying he wouldn't know if they were telling the truth or sugar-coating it. They finally just dropped the subject...but it stayed with me throughout the day.

Will our son feel that way? Will he be unsure if we are telling him the truth about how his birthparents "loved him so much they gave him up to have a better life?" Will he toss and turn at night wondering who he is, what his parents look like, whether he has siblings, what his life would be like, etc...

If he struggles with those issues - how will I feel? How will my husband feel? Will I feel like I am not good enough or that the life we gave him is not good enough? I am sure I would feel jealous that I couldn't be the one who gave him life and, therefore, be the one who answers all those questions for him. Perhaps our son will never struggle with these issues at all. But, it is likely he will struggle with his identity at some point.

Thirdmom said it vey eloquently in her latest post. I think it is WELL worth stopping there and reading it. It is very thought provoking.