I was surprised this morning when I came downstairs and saw that my husband put up the tree. He is the sweetest man I know...he is trying to keep the faith for both of us right now. I had no plans of putting up the tree. Honestly, I wish I could go to sleep and wake up when we are getting on the plane for Kazakhstan (whenever that may be). I wish I could fast forward this entire holiday season.
Mourning the loss of Alexander is only half the battle. The other half is working with an agency that we don't trust and wondering what will happen next. I live in fear every day that when and if our agency ever gets us to Kazakhstan that we should rest assured it will be the most difficult (in the sense of problems) journey in adoption history. You would think they would want to get rid of me already :-)
I am not even sure I can make it through this week at work...four and a half days left and we are on winter break, but it will be a LONG four and a half days - we have the pep rally and the kids are usually jumping out of their skin this week and not in the learning mode. While I always do a good job of not taking out my frustrations of my students I am certainly worried that this week will be too much to handle. It is a double-edged sword though - the alternative is to stay home in bed and wish I was dead. Not exactly a great choice either.
I have not a clue how I will get through Christmas. It won't be pretty I can tell you that. I haven't got the energy to put on a smile and just get through it gracefully. I only feel guilty that my poor husband has to put up with my pathetic state right now.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Wishing Christmas Was Over...
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10 comments:
Dawn,
Last year at this time I was in a horrible funk. In fact, today I'm filling the Christmas cards that I never sent last year.
December 3, 2005 I learned that my boy had moved in with a patron@t family. I hadn't officially lost him yet, but the threat of it was very real. I had lost the ability to talk to him and write to him and I missed him terribly. Plus, the realization that my agency wasn't just in the dark about accreditation and so forth, but were in fact lying to me had just become clear. It was a dark and depressing time for me.
I spent Christmas pouting like a petulant child.
I'll tell you this. My reaction and my behavior hurt my whole family. They didn't know what to do or how to help me. I had to snap myself out of it.
Please know that I understand the emotions you're feeling right now and I wish I could help you. In the end, you're going to have to fight through this grief and anger and find your way back to the surface. And you will.
Rage and feel angry when you need to. Cry and grieve when you need to. But you will find your way to the surface again. Somehow you'll turn this experience into a positive. Be it advocating for adoption reform, assisting other families, or whatever -- you'll come out of this somehow stronger than ever before. I believe in you and I know you'll find your way.
Sorry for writing a novel, by the way!
Hang in there Dawn. Call me if you ever need to chat. I am glad Joe put up a tree. Take this time to snuggle with your hubby because this will be the last Christmas with just the two of you...it is a special time for you both. Do something romantic...answer the door in Saran wrap!
Hopefully being with family will take your mind off it a little. I am truly sorry for your loss of your referral Dawn.
One Christmas we had was particularly difficult with miscarriages and we spent the weekend watching The Muppet Chrsitmas Carol....about 5 times.
The the next holiday season our Kaz paperwork kept getting delayed and delayed so we said "Screw it, We're going to Bermuda!" It was cheap that time of year, not crowded (and not really warm enough for the ocean) and the last time we'd have the chance to go away as a couple.
So call the travel agent and stay at Grotto Bay (http://www.grottobaybeach.com/) or Pompano Beach Club (http://www.pompano.bm/)
I'm so sorry for the fact that you have to feel this way. I do pray you'll find hope and peace again(I know you will) and can enjoy the spirit of the season.
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, I feel your pain, I really truly do. Has Orson said anything about traveling blind? Thats the way to go, I tell ya. Worked out wonderfully for us. Then you should be able to go sooner to. Keep me posted. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Happy Holidays! Love, Tam
I'm glad your husband has put up your tree. I hope that you can find peace and comfort this holiday season. I'm offering up a prayer for you.
Are you going to Astana?
We were there are really loved it.
We live in Allentown, PA. If you want to get together before you leave, let me know. Someone from our agency is in Astana now, planning to come home just after the new year.
Dawn,
I don't post on your blog on a regular basis but you once left a comment on my adoption blog and today reread it and decided to check in on you.
I know that nothing anyone says can help heal the loss you are feeling right now and I'm truly sorry that you are going through such a hard time, especially near Christmas when you're expected to be happy. Please try to find peace in the fact that God is in control here and we can not see his plan for us. My husband and I in a sense lost two referrals before getting matched to our daughter. One of a precious little boy in India who became to sick to be adopted, and then again when the Ukraine program closed down two weeks before we should have travled to meet our child. I felt I could never recover from the loss.
We went through two Christmas season where I thought for sure my child would have been home by then. Everyone tried to console me but I felt that noone could really understand how I felt because none of them had been through adoption. I just wanted to send my thoughts and prayers because I understand what you're feeling right now. It's hard to belive right now but know that God has opened another door for you somewhere with the loss of Alexander. We ended up with the perfect child for us after all the heartache, and this year we're celebrating our first Chirtmas together. There is a happy ending for you even if you can't fathom it right now. Trust in God and try to find comfort in him...my faith is the only thing that got me through.
Blessings,
Janine S
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