I am doing my best to live normally. Knowing that court was held is Kazakhstan and waiting for information is getting in the way of my "normal" act. I couldn't bring myself to go to work today...and I had a professional day (workshop) to attend. I'll spend the rest of the day beating myself up over that on top of being on pins and needles waiting for Orson to call. To top it off I have my "monthly friend" which now and then knocks me out with unbearable cramps.
We realize that court is going to be more than one day and any information we get will not be about a decision, but we just want to know who testified and the general "feeling" of court. Many times Almagul gets information about our chances from her sources.
In the meantime ~ I feel like I am living in a shroud of uncertainty. The fact that my best friend and her mother (who is like a mother to me) were not there through this most difficult time leaves me scratching my head and wondering what I missed. I go over it in my mind again and again. I can't get past the point that I would never let either of them go through something so difficult and not call them. E-mails are insufficient under those circumstances and that is not a debatable issue...you either "get it" or you don't. One thing I DO know is that I am a very good friend and deserved more than that.
Yesterday, a someone said "you will get through this no matter the outcome." Of course, on a rational level, I know I will get through this no matter the outcome. But this situation is beyond "picking yourself up and getting back on the horse". Financially, this is it. If this does not come to fruition we do not have the means to go another round. I suppose we could fly back again and start all over, but we do not have the means emotionally to do that. We would have to return to the option of IVF which is an option that we all know takes a toll on any couple.
It's funny ~ you know that Oprah question she poses to some of guests: What do you know for certain? I am at a point where my answer would be NOTHING.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
On Pins and Needles...
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5 comments:
I cannot even begin to tell you how to live each day in your present circumstances. I know that when I have gone through the dark times in my life, I lived some days moment by moment.....
Praying for news that gives you hope today.
Beckie
It is so hard to have your life on hold waiting on the decision of others. I hope you hear something very soon.
When I dealt with all of that last summer, I could not see the trees to get out of the woods. I was in a fog.
What I know for certain (which I didn't know then).....it gets better. Two steps forward, one step back.
You've barely been home, you are in the middle of the largest set of problems in your life, so go easy on yourself. Nurture yourself, do all sorts of loving kind things for yourself.
I absolutely hated living in limbo like that for 8 months. It was the hardest trial of my life. I would never want to do it again. I will say though that now that we've had some time, we've been able to have some healing and perspective. We've been able to grieve and go thru a whole gammet of emotions.
You are still waiting to see the outcome, which personally drove me nuts, for months. It's enough to drive one to lose their mind. You can make it thru this waiting, and you will have made it up & over the hardest mountain in your life.
On your friend, Yes, that sucks. I still don't get those sorts either. I'm sorry she & her mom just can't/won't get up to the plate for you. I know it adds insult to injury. During that time myself, I had to mentally make a conscious effort to put out that sort of negative annoyance, and look for as much inspirational, positive, nurturing input as possible. I had to take that anywhere I could find it. I would encourage you to do the same. I'm usually the one who is helping others, and this was probably the first time in my adult life that I was the one in need. I think that threw people for a loop & they didn't know what to do. Friends were used to being the receiver in our friendship. So I had to let alot of people and activities go.
Made room for more wonderful people and activities. I learned a new hobby. I've enjoyed spending some time on my own, which in the past was uncomfortable for me.
Right now you are rather in crisis, so do everything possible to filter out crap. Bring in the support troops to lift you up.
Write me if you want ideas.
Limbo is a simple word for an ugly place. Know we are waiting, hoping and praying with you.
Ronda
I thought you were at the PDC thing today. If I'd known you were home, I'd have gotten in touch. I saw your later post for today and am glad that you were able to get some information about today's court proceedings. It's hard to understand why, when they knew there would be a lot of people to testify, court doesn't just continue tomorrow and until it's done.
Hopefully our schedules have some common free time tomorrow. I've got a hug with your name on it.
Bonnie
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