Thankful Thursday

Rather than doing a Thursday Thirteen today I wanted to do the Thankful Thursday because I have a few things I want to give thanks for. First, I am so thankful to have been accepted to a very special Yahoo group. The trying times my dh and I have been experiencing led me to seek out a prayerful and supportive group and He answered my prayers. Thank you!

On the adoption front: I spoke with USCIS this morning and the woman told me that they have all the paperwork they need from us and that our file is in the "review drawer." Now, I have absolutely no idea what that means, but she stated immediately after this that "...so it should be soon now." Amen!

In Other Words...

As I thought about the whole notion of "reproduction," and what it really means to replicate yourself. Is it merely about the passing on of eyes and chins
and hair color? Or is it, rather, the replication
of the heart? Do we leave a bigger mark by
passing on our genes, or our thoughts?

~ Shannon Woodward ~
author of:
Inconceivable: Finding Peace in the Midst of Infertility

Okay...so this was actually Tuesday's "In Other Words" and I just started this meme, but I HAD to chime in on this one! I believe I have much to offer on this subject.

As a woman who is deeply in love with her husband I can say that one of the things I wanted desperately was to create a life together. It truly is a miracle to create life, give life and sustain life. There is nothing more beautiful I can think of and it often takes my breathe away when I actually allow myself to think about it (which is not often these days). I looked at a biological child as a manifestation of our love and commitment to each other. We tried to conceive on our own and we turned to reproductive medicine when that was not working. Then came the crossroads: the procedures we were doing were not working and the next step was in-vitro. We searched our hearts and talked about what our ultimate goal was. Our ultimate goal, we both admitted, was to be a mother and a father. The question then becomes how to define these roles.

I strongly believe that DNA is not what makes a mother or a father. DNA creates life and DNA determines characteristics and features of a new life, but that is how the child's physical being is derived. WHO the child truly is in their heart is determined by how they were shaped during their life. I also believe that God has his own blueprints that are set above both DNA and upbringing. I say this because we have all seen very good mothers and fathers raise children that turn out to be psychotic and I think it is unfair to place blame on bad parenting for every sin committed by one's children as well as wonderful children from awful parents.

Children come into this world with no beliefs...none. They do not have any beliefs about themselves, their parents, their house, their neighborhood, their universe, or their God. All of this comes from their mother and father (or whoever is their caregiver). The most significant people in my own life that have shaped my thoughts about who I am and about love, friendship, faith and respect were NOT my own parents. I am a living example of how biology alone is not what creates lasting impact. My parents and I are estranged from each other and there are complicated reasons that led to that decision for me. I spend a great deal of emotional energy trying to reverse the negative messages I received from them (example of a strong negative impact stemming from their thoughts). Fortunately for me, I have had many loving people in my life, some still with me and others that were just passing through, who nurtured me and challenged me to be a better person.

So, yes - it is about replication of the heart. Replicating the heart is the most precious gift in the world...and it is something DNA could never do. The strands of DNA master your temple, but the unconditional love of a mother or father, be biological or through other means, creates a legacy that can never be replicated.

Wordless Wednesday

Good Parent in Stages?

I am very interested in your comments on this one. The other day, Joy from The View, commented that nobody is a good parent at all stages in their child's life. More accurately, she stated that each of us is at our best in different stages - for some they are superb with babies, others toddlers, and yet others are excellent with precocious teens. I agree with her on this, but also wonder what shapes that in a parent? This will be our first child, so the only experience I can bring to this is that of being a teacher.

I have taught every grade level there is and I LOVE working with middle school more than any other grade level. I also know exactly why I love that age-level and it is is rooted in my own adolescence. My life was deeply shaken as a teenager when my brother passed away and my parents, understandably, become unavailable in my life. I was in tremendous pain and desperately looking for love, acceptance, and a sense of belonging (aren't we all?). So, needless to say, I made a number of wrong choices during that stage of my life and have great empathy for teens. I feel their pain very deeply. I feel I am a very good support to the teens I teach, but I also recognize that my vulnerability to their pain places me in a position of falling into the trap of experiencing their drama with them rather than supporting them through it. It is important for all of us to know our pitfalls and this is mine in the teaching arena.

With that said...I assume (I will only know for certain when the time comes) that I will be superb during the teen years. However, I am keenly aware of the traps I must avoid, such as wanting to be my child's friend during those years. My own past experiences will undoubtedly shape who I am as a mother and affect my parenting throughout our child's life. How about you? If you are a parent already, has your past shaped how you parent at different stages in your child's life? Are you better at some "stages" than others? Do rebellious teens make you want to run away and yearn for the days when they were cute and compliant? Or do you feel you can't relate to the younger ones and hate forcing yourself to play imaginary games? What has shaped your parenting?

Perspectives on Adoption

I am so caught up in the beautiful picture that I have in my mind of our forever family being united and living happily ever after that I rarely think about the pitfalls associated with adoption...pitfalls far beyond the paperwork and travel, but deeper emotional pitfalls that our child may experience. I came across some new blogs today and the perspectives are startling. Startling is the only word I can think of - it's like when you are a kid raised in an all Catholic neighborhood and one day meet a Jew. You are startled...you never knew anyone thought any differently or could actually not believe in Jesus. My Jewish friends have shared similar stories of the reverse so I know I am not alone here. Well, there are people out there who are not proponents of adoption. Pause...I'll give you a chance to catch your breathe ;-)

So after reading some postings on these blogs (and getting ticked off at a few of them) I had a flashback. As you know I am a middle school teacher. There is a student that I had last school year - who I will call Ann - who is adopted (domestically). She would talk very openly about it with me and expressed how one day she would like to meet her birthmother (this was a private conversation we had). I prodded...she was aware that I am adopting and I was curious and glad to be able to get her perspective. She said that her birthmother was poor and young and gave her up because she wanted her to have a better life. Obviously, this is what she was taught by her parents and I think it is wonderful. I have not idea if the message is accurate or not, but that it beside the point since this is Ann's truth.

One day, the students were working on a project in class, so the students were having conversations that were not always academically related :-) I was listening to a conversation taking place in Ann's group. There was a boy in her group that didn't exactly like Ann. He was a nice boy, but he thought Ann was annoying (and truth be told she could be too chatty). She made a comment about being adopted and the boy said "Oh, I'm sorry." Well, Ann was taken back and looked at him like he had ten heads. "What!?! What's wrong with adoption? Mrs. D is adopting a baby!" Hmm...here we go. I stood by and allowed this dialogue to continue since nobody was out of hand and both were speaking respectfully. The boy said he didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and Ann told him she wanted to know, really, what he thought was wrong with adoption. So, he replied "a lot!" He went on to say "I wouldn't want to be adopted and not know who my parents were. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. I would think about it all the time and want to know who they were, what they looked like, and why they gave me up."

Ann gave her point of view and explained that her parents have told her about her birthparents, etc... He rebutted by saying he wouldn't know if they were telling the truth or sugar-coating it. They finally just dropped the subject...but it stayed with me throughout the day.

Will our son feel that way? Will he be unsure if we are telling him the truth about how his birthparents "loved him so much they gave him up to have a better life?" Will he toss and turn at night wondering who he is, what his parents look like, whether he has siblings, what his life would be like, etc...

If he struggles with those issues - how will I feel? How will my husband feel? Will I feel like I am not good enough or that the life we gave him is not good enough? I am sure I would feel jealous that I couldn't be the one who gave him life and, therefore, be the one who answers all those questions for him. Perhaps our son will never struggle with these issues at all. But, it is likely he will struggle with his identity at some point.

Thirdmom said it vey eloquently in her latest post. I think it is WELL worth stopping there and reading it. It is very thought provoking.