We took Joe to the airport about 45 minutes ago and I am back at the apartment getting reaady to go see Stephen in about 45 minutes. Joe's plane should take off in about 15 minutes. I miss him already :( The only thing positive this ordeal has done is make us realize even more how strong our love is. I love him with all of my heart and I can't wait to be back home as a family. God, I don't know how I am going to get through 6-7 weeks without him!
On a different matter...opinions needed please: My best friend of 26 years has been a great support up until this point. Since in Kaz - she called me once (when we lost Stas). I am hurt, angry and baffled. You have all read about this journey and the magnitude of our pain. Those who have been here understand what an ordeal this is. What gives? I just don't understand the lack of common sense to know that I NEED HER NOW. Opinions please. I am beyond rational anymore. I told her how I felt in an e-mail (that has been our form of communication while I have been here). I feel a "best friend" has a certain standard to live up to - to be there during the good times and the bad - and especially the excruciating. E-mail is not sufficient for such events. What do you think bloggers?
Monday, March 19, 2007
Flying Solo...
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7 comments:
I am going to guess that your friend of 26 years who has always been supportive does not know how to handle what you are going through. You said you e mailed her but what was her response? Maybe she thinks e mails are ok with you so she hasn't thought of callling. I'm sure it's not that she doesn't care but the best way to find out is to tell her how it makes you feel and ask her what she is thinking.
I hope you have a great week with Stephen. You and Joe and Stephen will be together before you know it and this time apart will be a blip in your past.
Hugs.
I'm sure your best friend doesn't mean anything. She prob just doesn't know what to say so rather than risk saying the wrong thing ---often they say nothing at all! I know as Brent and I struggled with infertility, my best friends just kept popping out the kids and never once offerred encouraging words etc etc because they could not relate. I know how bad it can hurt for them not to be there...you're blogger friends are always here and I bet if you called your bf, she would be there for you. Like I said I think it's just hard for them to make the first move for fear they do/say something that may hurt and unless they have adopted they may be unable to offer you any encouraging words/advice because they really cannot relate!
Enjoy your time with Stephen! Bet ya can have him saying Momma in no time!
Here is a story that came to mind after I read your post. A good friend of my suddenly lost her father. My husband and I had plans to drive to Canada to visit friends for a few days. The funeral was to be held on the day we were to leave. I called my friend several days before we were to leave. I asked her if I should change my plans so that I could attend the funeral. She said no. Off I went. It wasn't until I lost my mother several years later that I understood the gravity of my mistake. I wasn't able to understand the magnitude of loss and pain until I felt it myself.
My best friend made very little effort to see us and our kids when we returned home (she only lives an hour away). I was hurt but when I thought about it more deeply I realized that it might be hard for her because she is single and would like to be married. She would also like children and does not have any. I think it was tough for her to see such joy and happiness when she was struggling.
I think perhaps your friend can't truly understand what you're going through. Unless you've been through an adoption I don't think you can fully grasp the emotions involved. Keep telling her you need her and she will hear you.
The other thing is.....your friend also may have tried to call and is having trouble getting her call to go through now. I had a card calling system that was inexpensive for me and it would not work for me to call families in KZ no matter what time of day I tried using it and then a month later it did. If she is emailing, she is making an effort that way.
I think she could probably be really scared to say the wrong thing and hurt you. I know that I could not relate to your pain and I was afraid to say something and it be taken like I was minimizing the deep pain and loss you went through in losing Stas and moving on to the discover that the Lord wanted you to love on Stas those two weeks, but he was not the Stephen son that the Lord intended for you.
I know you were angry with the Lord too for the hurt he allowed the two of you to feel....normal human feelings, but maybe she was afraid that if she spoke words of how much the Lord did love and care about you that you would think again she did not care about your feelings and was trying to minimize what you were going through.
Maybe she is struggling with something in her own life and because you are so far away, she does not want to burden you with her hurt when you have been through so much already.
She has been your friend for 26 years....that is a good thing....and I am sure there are reasons for her "lack" of response to you and your needs right now. I am sure once you get home you will be able to work it out with her. I am sorry that you feel that pain right now...but I can relate to when I needed my friend to do something and they did not.
In the meantime....enjoy your time with Stephen...and your time in his region learning more about it....see the sights and try to stay busy when you are not with Stephen and before you know it, you and Joe will be together again, as a completed family.
One final thought to add to the otherss: sometimes is harder to handle something emotional on the phone. I hate to be the one crying into the phone. And, it's difficult to be the one feeling helpless on the other end. There's just no hugging on the phone--and that's really what you need.
I'm sure she's still there for you and will great you with a huge hug when you return.
I have to agree with other posters that until you live something yourself that some people truly don't understand the depth of what you are experiencing. I had eight miscarriages and my dearest friends were there for me but had no understanding of what I was going through. It wasn't until one of them had a miscarriage herself that she called and told me how sorry she was for some of the things she had said and no said/done.
My closest friends have been as supportive as they could through this adoption not understanding what we've gone through, but it is the adoption community, hence people who have lived or are living the experience that understand it and have been my greatest supporters and most of them are people I have never met. I have such a compassion for people and their heartache so I often hold people to standards that most can not live up to.
I too was surprised that I heard very little from my 'best friend' while we were in Kaz.
She was fine when we returned home and I did not bring it up once we arrived here. I will never know for sure what happened, but am glad things are back to normal now.
Try and give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe something has happened in her life that she doesn't want to worry you with. It may be weighing on her.
Good Luck & Congratulations!
Kristin
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