This just wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I felt like I was leaving my heart behind as the plane lifted off the runway. This was the hardest experience I have had to go through and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Joe and I have loved and lost three sons. The last thing I ever imagined was being on that plane alone. Every baby made me think of what we have been robbed of: the happy ending that this hellish year was supposed to bring. Instead I feel like an outside observer of a nightmare I prayed would never have happened…couldn’t fathom happening. How does this happen to a couple three times? I am sitting in Frankfurt right now and I still can’t believe this is ME…what the hell happened?
I realize this sounds negative and defeated, but you have to realize that as that place lifted off the ground I had the hollowest feeling one could experience. What else could someone feel as they leave their son behind knowing full well they may never see him again? That is the cold hard truth of the matter. We may indeed never see Stephen again. Sadly, Inna gave birth to him…and in this WORLD (the US too) that takes precedent over EVERYTHING. Just the fact that she is showing an IOTA of interest and does not want him to be adopted forces the fact that the court will likely not grant this adoption a raw reality for me.
I am not sure where Joe and I will go from here. Court will take place some time in the next three weeks. Almagul will represent us and I know how fiercely Axana will fight, but my heart tells me it is over. For me…the grieving began the minute the plane took off.
I pray that Alexander, Stas and Stephen – the three sons we loved and lost – will be loved and cared for. I will always think of them and they will be in my heart for all time. I do not know why God led us down this road only to hit a brick wall. I struggle with “God is good, kind, gracious, etc…” when things like this are allowed to happen. I often tell Him “You have GOT to be kidding ME! Where are YOU?” I can’t reconcile these events with His word. Where is the sense – it seems if you BELIEVE you are doomed to suffering and martyrdom. Suffer, suffer, suffer, but still have faith? It doesn’t equate. ALL of beliefs have been challenged. I feel like a child who has been spun and spun and now I am trying to pin the tale on the donkey. My sense of direction – my understanding of everything has been called into question.
Joe – MY EVERYTHING – what would I do without you? You are incredible…destined to be my husband, the love of my life and my best friend. I feel like I have failed you somehow. I am coming home without our child. I wasn’t able to give you a child and now I wasn’t able to bring any of these sweet babies into our life. It feels like a cruel and twisted joke to have a love like ours and not be able to share it with children to call our own. “I am sorry” doesn’t even begin to express the grief I feel for both of us.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
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18 comments:
It's not over yet Dawn and Joe. There has to be a bigger plan that you are not aware of yet. God just could not be this cruel. You are by no means a failure Dawn you did everything humanely possible.
Just put Kaz behind you for the moment. Get home and spend time with Joe and get some rest and who knows what the next few weeks might bring.
Bernadette
Dear Dawn-
I too have gotten on that plane, not being able to bring my child home. Not knowing if I would ever see her again. We have lost two children to international adoption. Mostly the first one hurt the worst.
I feel your pain with every ounce of my being. Your pain is very real and you are so correct to have all the feelings you feel.
When people were dumb enough to tell me callous things like "well, this is God's Will & God didn't want you to have that child...." (like that was supposed to help me?) I realized I see the bigger picture here:
GOD'S WILL IS PERFECT. PEOPLE HAVE FREE WILL & MUCK UP GOD'S PLAN.
God always has had the best of intentions for you, Joe, and baby Steven. And all the children. God is a kind, loving, sovereign God, with the best laid plans for all of us. Inna keeps messing this all up, because she get's to, and it's her choice (as grave as that is for all). Sadly, her country's laws, at the moment, did not allow Steven to come to the US. This is a collosal tragedy for all involved with devastating repercussions & magnitude.
Please feel free to write me personally at sweetangelplus4@yahoo.com. I know that even in the religious community there are well meaning people who say things that make you want to slap them upside the head. I think people just don't get what you've been thru unless they have actually walked the walk. I don't know anyone personally who left their child behind in a foreign country. And folks seemed to dish me out strange advise? Hmmm. What do they know. I did find much solice, grace, comfort, and loving generosity from the adoption community. They were really the cream of the crop in addition to a couple of my close personal friends & close friends at church.
I know your arms ache for your baby. A year ago this week I left my little girl in Russia (gulp). This will be an interesting week for both of us.
Please feel free to write me. I would like to give you ideas, encouragement, but not necessarily post here on the public blog.
You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. Multiple times a day. I've shared your story with my husband. We were walking around at church the other day talking about it. We know from personal experience that you are on the most difficult journey of a lifetime. We so feel for you.
I will say though that after my husband and I have walked thru that fire last year, we are now much stronger. Leaving your child behind is nothing anyone wants to ever have to do. But what I'm saying is that you were able to do that.....you are one of the strongest most mature brave ladies I've heard about & you will be able to deal with anything life throws at you after this. Compared to leaving your child behind due to these ridiculous circumstances, anything else is a drop in the bucket.
This situation is so unfair for you, Joe, and baby Steven. I will continue to pray that the judge will have the wisdom of Solomon in the upcoming trial. Peace be with you sweet lady. Feel free to write me anytime. We could exchange phone numbers thru email as well if you like. I'm here for you. I'll be there for you if you have a sleepless night or a day where you can't stop crying.
All your feelings are perfectly normal. Hang in there. Hugs to you, Esther
I agree completely with Bernadette. You are not a failure. I'm sure I would feel the same way in my heart if I were you but my head tells me there is nothing you have done to be a failure and it's NOT over yet. I would not give up, just take a break for a while. You are still young Dawn, there is more time. Before I was born my parents had a daughter and a son. The son died when he was 3 years old, my sister was 6 at the time. My parents were devastated beyond belief. They did not want any other child to take his place. Four years went by, they healed some and decided they did not want my sister to grow up alone. I was born and 18 months later my brother was born. My mother was 39 at my brothers birth. IF things don't work out for you now you still have time to heal and try again, maybe a year, maybe two maybe three. I understand you are grieving and can't fathom going through this again but you never know what will happen in the future. It is possible. I am sending you lots of love, good thoughts and hugs. Just be with your husband right now and love each other. It will be ok.
Meena
Oh Dawn...
It's nto over yet, the fight has just begun.. you have helped change a law for others so they never have to experience this pain... while that doesn't give you much hope or a sense of anything... I know it's something you've done great for the future.
Regardless, I will keep praying that Stephen comes home to you... There always has to be hope in the world.
My heart is breaking for you. We may not understand (this side of heaven) why God has allowed such pain and anguish. He has a plan, that's all I know. While we have not endured the same situation as you, we too have a daughter in Russia that may or may not come to our family. We spent a week with her last August and then her grandmother got an early release from prison and is trying to get custody. While things appear (on the surface anyway) to be hopeful for us, it has been a terribly long 8 months with no definite end in sight. I have prayed that no matter what the outcome for us, that God's glory would be known. I have released the outcome to His hands - but it still hurts. Esther is right in that only those who have walked this journey can truly know what you are going through. I can only begin to understand how you must be feeling after all you have endured. All I can offer to you is a few words of encouragement and my sincere prayers for hope.
Oh Dawn, you are so right...I too struggle with the fact that God's best laid plans are messed up by the sinful choices we and others make in our lives. You made no mistakes in this case, but to love and fight for this precious little boy. I have not walked your road, but have walked many painful roads in my life.....I don't have any answers for you....but I will pray that some how the Lord will bring Stephen home to you....his true mother.
Beckie
You did not fail anyone Dawn. You were failed by the government of Kaz. It is not over and I believe we will both be flying out of Almaty together with our children...I have to believe that. You have come way too far. Please, if there is anything I can do here in country let me know. I will post my new phone number soon and would love to hear from you. I miss you to the moon and am so sorry for you. I cried reading your post because I know you and your heart and I can only imagine how much that amazing big heart of yours is aching but WE will get through this. I will help you any way I can.
Oh Dawn, I'm so sorry. I believe that this fight is not yet over, but I understand perfectly how you can feel defeated. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been for you to get on that plane without Stephen, and my heart breaks for you.
You have fought your hardest for Stephen, and had to endure so much heartache, yet you faced these setbacks with grace and strength (even though it may not feel that way right now). You did not fail your husband or Stephen. The system failed you all, and I hope that in a few weeks time, the great wrong that has occurred here will be righted.
My thoughts are with you and Joe.
You are such an amazing woman. You have done everything possible. It is not your fault at all. You have done far more than others would have done. I'm so sure that Joe is very, very proud of you. My prayers will continue for healing and a resolution.
Sorry doesn't cut it. But I am truly sorry for what you and Joe have had to endure. I am thankful that you have each other to cling to in this awful time. I'll continue praying for you and believe that the next chapter will begin with happiness and a sense of direction on where you are going.
You're in my prayers. And you have done an amazing job at fighting to bring your child home. Don't give up on God's blessings, they'll come.
vvirDawn,
I loved today's verse. It seems very appropriate. Like the others, I have no words to take away the pain, but we are keeping you and your family in our prayers that the next court will go well and you will be headed back to Kaz in a few weeks to pick up your son.
Please don't blame yourself for this, I don't know any Mom who ever worked harded for her child. You hold your head high, take some time off, and get ready for the blessing that is coming your way.
Regina
Dear Dawn, I hope you and Joe can find comfort and start to heal together. I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I know you in- country staff will continue to fight you, Joe and Stephen. I pray he will find his way to you. Kathy
Dear Dawn and Joe: "in this world, you will have many tribulations"...I don't have any answers for you. I wish I did. You are right: it is unjust, unfair, and wrong...yet, that's what it is. Most of life is unjust and unfair. I am hoping against hope that you will be a mom and dad to Stephen...please keep us posted on whatever information you receive. Try to rest and recuperate...and grieve. Love, Karla
Dear Dawn, my heart aches for you I so feel your pain and extreme sadness I am praying you find hope,peace and comfort. You and your husband are wonderful parents and your son will be blessed to have you. You guys have been through so much heartache.Please keep the faith and remember when God closes a window he opens a door, I truely believe that. We lost our daughter to the gm the week after court, I was devastated and still grieve but in the end we had a happy ending and I have no doubt you will too. God Bless you,your dh and your precious son.(((hugs)))
I am so sorry Dawn. I am not the most religious person....but I have to agree with the thought that there is another plan already layed out for you. There HAS to be. I hope you discover it VERY soon!
oh dawn - i'm so sorry for everything - you and joe are so strong, as individuals and, most importantly, as a team.
reading all these comments i am overwhelmed at the outpour of love and support - and truly hope that it provides you solance during this painful time.
i continue to pray that your baby WILL come home to you soon, and that God continues to grant you the strengh and wisdom needed to see this process through.
hugs.
Dawn,
I wish I had some words of comfort and wisdom that soothed and answered questions. I don't. Your feelings are justified, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
You are NOT a failure. The issues in your adoptions have nothing to do with you, although you are in caught in the middle of it.
In my toughest moments, I looked for God in nature and it comforted me to know He shown in the stars, caressed in the breezes, and roared in the waves. It didn't repair the problems, but it showed the things that are consistant beyond my circumstances, and that His plan is bigger than this moment.
I too agree with Bernadette. You are still in our prayers.
Dawn,
I feel such saddness for you. I had a similar experience, although not the same, I was supposed to adopt my foster children and it seemed like at the VERY last minute the social worker changed her mind. The loss hits you at your very core.
You are in my prayers, as are the three boys.
Kate
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