The Next Step...

Some people have e-mailed me about their desire to post about us on their blog or link to us. By all means ~ we graciously accept any help and attention that can be brought our way. The ChipIn Widget will continue to accept donations, but we prefer to take it one step at a time since we are not sure what is to come and need to live in the "maybe" zone for our own sanity. As I said, the Embassy is not promising that this will happen and said they cannot "hold" the boys for us. This is one of the primary reasons we have been so hesitant to even open our hearts to this at all. We have been burned severely with this adoption and do not trust anyone or anything that is said to us. Thank you to all who sent words of encouragement, donations, and for all of your prayers. It means so very much to us! It is truly in God's hands.

Mason's Mom asked: Are you willing to adopt other children?
Our Answer: No, the only children we would ever adopt internationally are Stephen and his brother. Our paperwork is being done for these children only and we cannot adopt any others in the orphanage as we are not redoing our dossier...only a few required documents requested by the Embassy and the Office of Children's Rights in order to adopt Stephen and his brother.

THANK YOU ALL!

We are amazed and feel so blessed by the outpouring of support! We can't thank you all enough. This enables us to move toward being "paper-ready" by getting our home study updated and to reapply for our I171h and get our fingerprints. This is truly an act of faith as we have no idea what the future holds. We feel incredibly blessed by all of your support!

Reaching Out for Help

Joe and I were not ready to share this information until now and our hand is being forced somewhat by need. During our meeting with the Ambassador and Head of the Consular Dept. we were told that Stephen and his brother would be available for adoption in the near future. We found out today that they are free and clear for adoption immediately. While we would not have to redo our entire dossier, we would have to update our home study and reapply for the I171h. This is a HUGE leap of faith for us as we are not being promised anything - they cannot hold the boys for us and there are still MANY questions which they are seeking answers for us.

However, to even get the ball rolling costs money that we do not have. As I have shared before - we have lost over $75,000.00 due to the crimes of Orson Mozes. We do not even have available credit or we would use that. We are reaching out to the adoption and blog community for help. We do not know what will come, but we feel God is at work in our lives as well as Stephen and his brother's lives right now. We are taking a HUGE risk by allowing our hearts and minds to even consider this possibility. Our wounds are hardly healed and we may have our hearts torn apart again. But our love for Stephen is, and always, remains. He is our son. He will always have a place in our hearts...and it will be a true miracle and for God's glory if he is finally able to come home. Would you consider helping us and being a part of this journey of faith?

Interview with Marina Lombardo

I mentioned a few weeks ago on my other blogs the book I Am More Than My Infertility by Marina Lombardo and Linda J. Parker and the fact that she wrote about my blog Cribs, Crimes and Corruption. Today, Marina has posted Part I of an interview she did with me. Part II will be posted tomorrow. The blog is great for those going through infertility. Stop by and check it out :)

For anyone who has not visited my other two blogs they are:
http://www.adoptionloss.blogspot.com/ and http://www.cribsandcrimes.blogspot.com/.

Satan's Scarecrows

Craig Groeschel says in Confessions of a Pastor that fear is a scarecrow:

"What harm can a scarecrow do? We scarecrow constructors know that the answer is "none," but the birds don't know that...If those blackbirds ever figured out our strategy, they'd realize that a scarecrow is actually a tipoff to the location of the best corn!"

I can't deny that fear has been one of the reigning emotions throughout our adoption process. Fear is what kept us with Orson; fear that we were overreacting, wrong, hypersensitive, not trusting God enough, etc... From the moment you realize there is a problem and you are not conceiving a child fear is there. For me the fear of not being a mother has existed for as long as I can remember. I can pinpoint the exact moment in my life when my older brother said something to me that instilled a fear that I would not be able to have children. Having biological children is not important to me or Joe, but being parents is very important. I know that the Liar has used my fear to his advantage and continues to do so as much as I allow him to this day.

Fear is why I struggle with trusting God: What if He gets it wrong? What if He just uses this desire I have to make me wait in order to "develop my faith"? What if He has better things to do? What if this is written in stone and no matter how hard I pray we will never be parents? It is easy to succumb to fear when you allow these kinds of questions to take over your thoughts. But the quote that is above has me asking a new question: What if these fears are nothing but Satan's scarecrows? Perhaps these fears are a way of keeping me away from life's "best corn"! I doubt there is a better corn than that of the peace that comes from trusting God and KNOWING that He has a plan for you that is better than any plan you can dream up.

Right now we are facing yet another challenging decision and, in all honesty, I am afraid of getting it wrong. What if we say "yes" to this challenge and that is not what God wants? But what if the fear is a scarecrow trying to keep us from the "best corn" that God is offering us?

Productive Meeting With Ambassador Idrissov

Joe and I were invited to meet with Ambassador Idrissov yesterday in Washington, DC. It was a long drive, but worth it. It was a very productive meeting. Ambassador Idrissov, as one could imagine, is very proud of his country and heritage. He does not want crooks like Nigmat and other unscrupulous coordinators to mar the image of his country. There are many people in Kazakhstan who care deeply for the orphans that are unfortunately not in the spotlight. He is dedicated to making changes and rooting out these incidences of corruption.

He is very concerned with the amount of money that agencies are charging American parents because it is not in line with the actual costs of an adoption in Kazakhstan. One of the major problems in the United States (which is the only country that Kazakhstan has these problems with) is that the U.S. does not have one governing regulating body. In all other European countries there is a centralized system and private adoption agencies do not exist.

Since the Ambassador obviously cannot change how the American adoption system works he has the difficult challenge of discerning which agencies are "above board" and which are not. The key to that is transparency. This is indeed a difficult task as some of the very agencies charging inordinate amounts are Hague accredited!

Also present at the meeting was Almat Aidarbekov, Head of the Consular Section. Almat was very cordial and sympathetic to the process that American parents go through in order to adopt. He was able to provide us with factual information about Stephen and his baby brother. Joe and I are not ready to make any public statements about this information, but promise to share as soon as we feel comfortable.

Infertility, IVF, Loss, Hope and Living...

This beautiful video was on the I Am More Than My Infertility blog this morning. It speaks volumes. I have not announced this on my blog yet so this video gives me the perfect opportunity: We have started our first IVF cycle. I am scared to death to be honest. Afraid to hope after so much loss. However, we know that nothing worth this much comes without GRACE and we pray that God will be glorified through our story. Please pray for us. Thank you to everyone who has traveled this path with us...even if only through the blogosphere.

Ancestors & Adoptees: Food for Thought

Oprah had a show on the Fourth of July about all things American. One of her guests, via satellite, was Chris Rock and he shared his thoughts about a PBS show titled African American Lives 2. Famous African Americans had their histories revealed to them by Henry Louis Gates, Jr. He discovered that his great-great grandfather enlisted in the U.S. Colored Troops after being a slave for 21 years and that he went on to be elected into the South Carolina legislature as well as going on to own an unprecedented amount of land for anyone of his time ~ and he was a former slave! Chris Rock was choked up at this revelation and had this to say:

“Until I lucked into a comedy club at, you know, age 20, just on
a whim, I assumed I would pick up things for white people for the rest of my life,” Mr. Rock says. “If I’d known this, it would have taken away the inevitability that I was going to be nothing.” He was also quoted saying: "The things I'm doing with my life, they make sense," he says. "Let's just hope that everybody learns where they come from so their lives can make more sense."

Chris Rock's sentiments really struck a cord. I immediately thought of all the adoptees in the United States who are denied this right ~ like the slaves of yesteryear they are treated as though their identities ~ their roots, their story, their tie to humanity is second-class or subpar.

I love stories, especially history, and I love geneology. Considering the fact I am estranged from my own family it may seem odd that I would take such an interest in my family tree, but maybe my interest is actually because of my lack of connection. It does not mean I want things to be different or that I am "hung up" on some dysfunctional family issues...it is just curiousity and a yearning for connection to the past. With every new family picture I unearth I have so many questions: What was this person like? Do I think like they did? Did they struggle with their faith and ask God "WHY?" in difficult times? What were they passionate about? Who did they love? What were their life lessons? And a million other questions.

I remember laughing when I discovered that my maternal lineage and my paternal lineage both had brave men who fought in the Civil War ~ but on opposite sides! Perhaps that is why my parents never seemed to get along -lol.

Obviously, I will never get answers to the majority of my questions. However, at least I have the right to wonder, ponder, and question. I have the right to sift through my family history, shaking the family tree, and either rejoicing, embracing, or being perplexed by what falls out. Shouldn't every American have that right?

I Am More Than My Infertility

Marina Lombardo, the co-author of I Am More Than My Infertility posted about my other blog Cribs, Crimes, and Corruption (click the title of this post to read it.) I just finished reading her book and it is a MUST read for anyone dealing with the challenges of infertility. You can purchase the book on Amazon or you can purchase it directly through their website at http://www.iammore.net/. Marina Lombardo writes a column called Emotionally Speaking for Conceive Magazine which she describes on her website:

My column in Conceive Magazine is a place to share your stories, ask your questions, and learn from one another’s experiences. Wherever you are on your journey, you have only to reach out to realize you have lots of company. As women, one of our greatest strengths lies in our willingness to share our stories, connect with others…and marvel at how the threads of our experiences bind and connect us all. Let “Emotionally Speaking“ be a place for you to reach out, and a reminder that doing so is an essential part of this truly transformational journey.

It is such a blessing that infertility is an issue that therapists like Marina are devoting their practice and expertise to. Perhaps adoption loss will soon be an area of practice in the field that will help guide adoptive parents through the stages of grief of this unique loss.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am totally freaking out right now! I have been e-mailing and snail mailing the Dr. Phil show for a year now...and WE GOT A CALL THAT THEY ARE INTERESTED IN OUR STORY! OMG!

Drowning in Paper Clutter?

I normally don't write about products, but I absolutely LOVE this scanner! It scans things in a snap (hence the name - lol) and instantly converts it to a PDF. You can scan and organize all of your paperwork sooo easily! I just scanned all of our taxes for the last several years and organized them by year in their own "file cabinet" just for taxes. I am scan happy now and I am determined to get all of my paperwork scanned and organized this summer. I purchased mine for just over $250.00 on eBay.