A Beautiful Poem

Wait

by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .

And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate

Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?

I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,

Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:

I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,

As my Master replied again, "Wait."

So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,

And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .

and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.

You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;

You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love

When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.

You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask

From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,

But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.

And though oft My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake

This is the BEST book I have read dealing with infertility, miscarriage and adoption loss. There is no other book out there that addresses the issues with such depth and honesty as this book. Each chapter also has a "Burden Bearers" section for friends and family of the person living through the journey toward parenthood in a manner in grave contrast to the way they dreamed it would be. This is also the ONLY book out there that addresses adoption loss.

I realize that it seems to be a defeated attitude for me to be reading about "adoption loss" when our battle is not over, but this book speaks to the ceaseless questioning that the struggle itself brings to the surface. Author Jennifer Saake honestly shares her own questions and anger with God as well as her feelings of jealousy, envy and entitlement.

Perhaps the greatest struggle in my own thinking right now is "Okay, God - so we did not conceive a child biologically. We accepted that. We moved forward on the journey of adoption. Now you have placed enormous obstacles in our path again. Do you not want us to be parents at all??? Why did you not close the door to this adoption sooner? You could have made it financially impossible if this was the wrong path. There are so many other ways You could have set us off this path! Why allow us to love these three beautiful boys and not open the way for us to bring one of them home to be our son???"

Again, this may end with us bringing Stephen home. Surely, it will be much easier for me to accept the obstacles in our path if it ends with us bringing our son home. I can handle almost anything if I know our son will be placed in our arms. The uncertainty is what eats away at us. If Stephen cannot be ours we want to know and begin to heal and move on with our lives. Instead, we are trapped in this vortex of uncertainty and at the mercy of two people (Inna and her POA) who do not have Stephen's best interests in their hearts.

Just knowing that the court can rule in our favor and they can appeal it ONCE again drives me insane. Joe and I have resigned ourselves to the fact that they probably will appeal the next decision as well (if it is in our favor). The only comfort is that would be their last resort unless they were willing to go all the way to the Supreme court in Kazakhstan. Considering that taking this to Supreme court would require a great deal of resources (both financially and intellectually) we highly doubt that Inna or her POA would take it that far. She is also going to give birth in the near future and have that obstacle placed before her. We have already informed all parties involved that we would be willing to adopt the child she is carrying as well. I am confident that this child will end up in the orphanage within the first year of his/her life. I just pray she doesn't inflict any permanent damage before that time...although drinking during pregnancy is about as damaging as can be!

There is nothing we can do now except pray. I was informed that I must return to work asap. I chose May 7th as a return date. I am not looking forward to answering numerous questions. All of my students know about our adoption and will be excited to know about our baby. If one more person tells me or Joe that they think this is a scam I am going to scream. I completely understand why someone would think that - we actually wish it was a scam! Then we could just pay whoever wants money and move on with our lives. Our adoption agency is actually losing money...I stayed in Kazakhstan for 60 days, but only paid for forty. The staff in Kaz continues to work on our case well beyond the time frame expected. Inna has not asked for money. Her POA has not asked for money. We cannot risk offering money without the fear of being arrested for baby trafficking. The only "option" presented was to adopt Inna and her unborn child and that is simply out of the question!

I have no qualms about assisting Inna financially and otherwise if she would accept it. If we finally reach the end of this adoption journey and have our son I will extend my assistance to her. My husband thinks it is crazy and reminds me that I am not Mother Theresa and can't help her since she is too far gone, but I feel otherwise. I have pondered whether that is the reason God placed this obstacle before us. If it is His will for me to help her - I will.

No News...

A new court date has not been set yet. We did find out, however, that this idiot POA can appeal the court's decision again if they rule in our favor at the next hearing. Hopefully, he will give up and let it go. With how things have gone for us to date I am sure he will appeal it again and drag this out a little bit longer (that is IF the court rules in our favor).

I feel so hopeless. You get to the point where you just don't want to deal with anything. Every aspect of this adoption has been out of our control from the start and you just keep telling yourself it will be worth it in the end. But what do you do when there is no end in sight? What do you do with the dream of a happy ending when it doesn't come? I've experienced disappointment and loss in my life before. I realize that life will go on no mater what happens, but I am growing tired of everything being an uphill battle.

A Sweet Smelling Tree for a Sweet Boy

Joe and I bought a Lavender Lady Lilac tree and planted it in our backyard to honor Stephen's birthday today. I LOVE the smell of lilacs in bloom and the sweet smell carries so far on a nice breezy day...so I know it will be a sweet reminder of our son. I pray the memory will be one that has a happy ending and not memories of "what could/should have been."

Tomorrow, April 26th, also happens to be our first referral's (Alexander) second birthday. Some of you have actually met him...our little Sasha... and held him in your arms and prayed for him. Tonight I pray that the issues that presented an obstacle preventing us from adopting him eventually are resolved. Alex deserves a family just as much as our little Stas and our sweet Stephen. I can't bear the thought that ANY of these precious boys will remain in an orphanage indefinitely.

Happy First Birthday Stephen...We Miss You!

Today's prevailing emotion fo me ~ anger. I am angry that I can't spend Stephen's first birthday with him and even more angry that he may not be our son in the end so celebrating may be moot. I miss him so much and yet I have to force myself to detach to some degree. I am angry that this is happening to us as so many other adoptions move forward without a glitch (not that I want a glitch for anyone...I just don't want ours!). I just want this nightmare to be over.