Where is the Joy?

I really don't know if the way I feel is because of the agency I am using or if this is how it is for many people, but the process of adopting sucks and I am sorry, but it really makes me angry. I struggle with feelings of being shortchanged...pregnancy is associated with a joyous preparation period of nine months. For us - all there is is a stage of uncertainty, skepticism, fear and doubt. We have a "referral" from our agency, but I live on the fence every day and every minute between being confident that he will be our son and doubt that he even exists! Our agency director is not a very good communicator and it only adds to the angst of the entire process. I am a well-educated woman and I can recognize when someone is pulling my leg. When we signed with our agency it was 100% due to the photo of the child we saw on a photolisting. We went into this before researching the agency and that was a big mistake. After speaking to dozens of former clients it was clear that this agency's reputation was more than flawed. Unfortunately, at that point you have been sucked in emotionally and financially.

The director claims that 80% of the clients come home with their "referral" and only 20% lose their referral. This has been the BIGGEST LIE we were told. I only know of ONE family that used this agency that did not lose their referral. How on earth can someone make a claim like that when it is blatantly false? How does that make sense as a business? Lying to clients seems the most unlikely way of gaining respect and renown as a reputable agency. There are a group of families and we are all using this agency and staying in touch. They have all lost their referrals. Some of them have lost THREE so far! It really is sickening. We have not received that fatal call telling us our "referral" has been adopted, but I can't help think that it will probably come as soon as we submit our dossier. I keep telling myself it won't happen since our baby is a boy and 16 months old, but I know I am lying to myself. If we end up getting this child it will be nothing short of a miracle. If all I have to rely on is the agency's success record - we haven't a chance.

I am at the point of being numb. There are times when people ask "You must be so excited?" Well, lately I find it hard to answer affirmatively. In my mind I am thinking "Oh yeah...I am about as excited as someone getting chemo." I feel like there is so little hope given to you when adopting...at least in our experience. My agency won't even tell us which region our child is in!!! Everything is inconsistent with this agency too! I know that other couples have been told the region they will be traveling to so I have no idea why this information is being withheld from us. The only conclusion I can come to is that there is something to hide...perhaps that he isn't there!

The only comfort that I have at this point is that this man will have to answer to a much higher authority than me. If there have been intentional lies told, hearts broken, and people in despair as a result of those lies...God will surely hold him accountable. I pray that this child actually exists and that he is still there. If this does not turn out to be the case then all I can do is pray for this waiting period to move quickly. In the meantime I have to admit that I am becoming numb as a defense mechanism for going out of my mind.