Thankful Thursday

Rather than doing a Thursday Thirteen today I wanted to do the Thankful Thursday because I have a few things I want to give thanks for. First, I am so thankful to have been accepted to a very special Yahoo group. The trying times my dh and I have been experiencing led me to seek out a prayerful and supportive group and He answered my prayers. Thank you!

On the adoption front: I spoke with USCIS this morning and the woman told me that they have all the paperwork they need from us and that our file is in the "review drawer." Now, I have absolutely no idea what that means, but she stated immediately after this that "...so it should be soon now." Amen!

In Other Words...

As I thought about the whole notion of "reproduction," and what it really means to replicate yourself. Is it merely about the passing on of eyes and chins
and hair color? Or is it, rather, the replication
of the heart? Do we leave a bigger mark by
passing on our genes, or our thoughts?

~ Shannon Woodward ~
author of:
Inconceivable: Finding Peace in the Midst of Infertility

Okay...so this was actually Tuesday's "In Other Words" and I just started this meme, but I HAD to chime in on this one! I believe I have much to offer on this subject.

As a woman who is deeply in love with her husband I can say that one of the things I wanted desperately was to create a life together. It truly is a miracle to create life, give life and sustain life. There is nothing more beautiful I can think of and it often takes my breathe away when I actually allow myself to think about it (which is not often these days). I looked at a biological child as a manifestation of our love and commitment to each other. We tried to conceive on our own and we turned to reproductive medicine when that was not working. Then came the crossroads: the procedures we were doing were not working and the next step was in-vitro. We searched our hearts and talked about what our ultimate goal was. Our ultimate goal, we both admitted, was to be a mother and a father. The question then becomes how to define these roles.

I strongly believe that DNA is not what makes a mother or a father. DNA creates life and DNA determines characteristics and features of a new life, but that is how the child's physical being is derived. WHO the child truly is in their heart is determined by how they were shaped during their life. I also believe that God has his own blueprints that are set above both DNA and upbringing. I say this because we have all seen very good mothers and fathers raise children that turn out to be psychotic and I think it is unfair to place blame on bad parenting for every sin committed by one's children as well as wonderful children from awful parents.

Children come into this world with no beliefs...none. They do not have any beliefs about themselves, their parents, their house, their neighborhood, their universe, or their God. All of this comes from their mother and father (or whoever is their caregiver). The most significant people in my own life that have shaped my thoughts about who I am and about love, friendship, faith and respect were NOT my own parents. I am a living example of how biology alone is not what creates lasting impact. My parents and I are estranged from each other and there are complicated reasons that led to that decision for me. I spend a great deal of emotional energy trying to reverse the negative messages I received from them (example of a strong negative impact stemming from their thoughts). Fortunately for me, I have had many loving people in my life, some still with me and others that were just passing through, who nurtured me and challenged me to be a better person.

So, yes - it is about replication of the heart. Replicating the heart is the most precious gift in the world...and it is something DNA could never do. The strands of DNA master your temple, but the unconditional love of a mother or father, be biological or through other means, creates a legacy that can never be replicated.

Wordless Wednesday

Good Parent in Stages?

I am very interested in your comments on this one. The other day, Joy from The View, commented that nobody is a good parent at all stages in their child's life. More accurately, she stated that each of us is at our best in different stages - for some they are superb with babies, others toddlers, and yet others are excellent with precocious teens. I agree with her on this, but also wonder what shapes that in a parent? This will be our first child, so the only experience I can bring to this is that of being a teacher.

I have taught every grade level there is and I LOVE working with middle school more than any other grade level. I also know exactly why I love that age-level and it is is rooted in my own adolescence. My life was deeply shaken as a teenager when my brother passed away and my parents, understandably, become unavailable in my life. I was in tremendous pain and desperately looking for love, acceptance, and a sense of belonging (aren't we all?). So, needless to say, I made a number of wrong choices during that stage of my life and have great empathy for teens. I feel their pain very deeply. I feel I am a very good support to the teens I teach, but I also recognize that my vulnerability to their pain places me in a position of falling into the trap of experiencing their drama with them rather than supporting them through it. It is important for all of us to know our pitfalls and this is mine in the teaching arena.

With that said...I assume (I will only know for certain when the time comes) that I will be superb during the teen years. However, I am keenly aware of the traps I must avoid, such as wanting to be my child's friend during those years. My own past experiences will undoubtedly shape who I am as a mother and affect my parenting throughout our child's life. How about you? If you are a parent already, has your past shaped how you parent at different stages in your child's life? Are you better at some "stages" than others? Do rebellious teens make you want to run away and yearn for the days when they were cute and compliant? Or do you feel you can't relate to the younger ones and hate forcing yourself to play imaginary games? What has shaped your parenting?

Perspectives on Adoption

I am so caught up in the beautiful picture that I have in my mind of our forever family being united and living happily ever after that I rarely think about the pitfalls associated with adoption...pitfalls far beyond the paperwork and travel, but deeper emotional pitfalls that our child may experience. I came across some new blogs today and the perspectives are startling. Startling is the only word I can think of - it's like when you are a kid raised in an all Catholic neighborhood and one day meet a Jew. You are startled...you never knew anyone thought any differently or could actually not believe in Jesus. My Jewish friends have shared similar stories of the reverse so I know I am not alone here. Well, there are people out there who are not proponents of adoption. Pause...I'll give you a chance to catch your breathe ;-)

So after reading some postings on these blogs (and getting ticked off at a few of them) I had a flashback. As you know I am a middle school teacher. There is a student that I had last school year - who I will call Ann - who is adopted (domestically). She would talk very openly about it with me and expressed how one day she would like to meet her birthmother (this was a private conversation we had). I prodded...she was aware that I am adopting and I was curious and glad to be able to get her perspective. She said that her birthmother was poor and young and gave her up because she wanted her to have a better life. Obviously, this is what she was taught by her parents and I think it is wonderful. I have not idea if the message is accurate or not, but that it beside the point since this is Ann's truth.

One day, the students were working on a project in class, so the students were having conversations that were not always academically related :-) I was listening to a conversation taking place in Ann's group. There was a boy in her group that didn't exactly like Ann. He was a nice boy, but he thought Ann was annoying (and truth be told she could be too chatty). She made a comment about being adopted and the boy said "Oh, I'm sorry." Well, Ann was taken back and looked at him like he had ten heads. "What!?! What's wrong with adoption? Mrs. D is adopting a baby!" Hmm...here we go. I stood by and allowed this dialogue to continue since nobody was out of hand and both were speaking respectfully. The boy said he didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and Ann told him she wanted to know, really, what he thought was wrong with adoption. So, he replied "a lot!" He went on to say "I wouldn't want to be adopted and not know who my parents were. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. I would think about it all the time and want to know who they were, what they looked like, and why they gave me up."

Ann gave her point of view and explained that her parents have told her about her birthparents, etc... He rebutted by saying he wouldn't know if they were telling the truth or sugar-coating it. They finally just dropped the subject...but it stayed with me throughout the day.

Will our son feel that way? Will he be unsure if we are telling him the truth about how his birthparents "loved him so much they gave him up to have a better life?" Will he toss and turn at night wondering who he is, what his parents look like, whether he has siblings, what his life would be like, etc...

If he struggles with those issues - how will I feel? How will my husband feel? Will I feel like I am not good enough or that the life we gave him is not good enough? I am sure I would feel jealous that I couldn't be the one who gave him life and, therefore, be the one who answers all those questions for him. Perhaps our son will never struggle with these issues at all. But, it is likely he will struggle with his identity at some point.

Thirdmom said it vey eloquently in her latest post. I think it is WELL worth stopping there and reading it. It is very thought provoking.

Let's Talk About Extended Family...

I am always envious of women who have a large extended family. It seems as though they have built in - ready made friends and playmates for their children. I have a very different scenario in my life and I always wonder what other people in my situation feel about it and do about it, if anything. First, I am estranged from my parents (which would take forever to explain...maybe another day). I do have a little sister who is fifteen years old (17 years younger than me), but we do not see each other much do to the estranged relations with my parents. Then there is my husband's family. His mother and father live about 15 minutes away. His father is disabled and has a heart condition. His parent's relationship is nonexisitent except for the fact that they live in the same house. His mom works long hours most of the week to support the household.

My husband has two siblings: a sister, age 27, single, works and is going to school to become a nurse and a brother, age 23, single, works as a F/T/ salesman. My husband is closer to his sister than his brother, but we don't see her often due to her busy schedule. The rest of his extended family lives in Italy and he has not seen them since he was a teenager.

So here is what concerns me: We do not have a large circle of support around us. I have a few very close friends and my best friend and her mother are like family to me. They live in Long Island and we talk a lot during the week and see each other as much as possible. I know I we are not the only couple in the world without a large family or extended family and I wonder how others deal with that or if it even matters to them. Do you think children are at a disadvantage when they don't have an extended family?

Adjusted Time Frame

Well, we have readjusted our time frame based on the anticipated arrival of our I171h. Using both the time frames provided by our agency and other clients we anticipate that the earliest we will travel is mid to late November, but most likely we will travel in early December. We originally hoped to travel by October, but I am just happy to have a clearer picture.

I got some good news regarding my maternity leave today: I can break up the time. If we travel in Nov.-Dec. it will be a good time as far as my teaching schedule since those months have a few holidays and will not eat up much of my time. I have 73 days to use. We are both going for the first trip and returning home and I will return for the second and final trip. My mother-in-law may be meeting me in Germany. My superintendent said it is okay for me to return to work in between the two trips. This is so important to us for financial reasons. If we travel in the beginning of December I can use my days and then return to work in January and 25 days later head back to Kaz and use the remainder of my time. I would return to work around the end of April. Of course, this is all subject to change if our baby is not adjusting well when we get home. The only thing I don't know yet is if I will be able to have my class back when I return or if they will assign me somewhere else as not to disrupt the continuity of my students' education. There was a teacher last year in my school who went out on maternity leave in December and came back in April, but she covered another teacher's class while she went out on maternity instead of returning to her own class. We have quite a few teachers going out on maternity this school year, so perhaps that is what will happen with me as well. We'll see!

Taking It One Day At a Time

So many people have e-mailed me with uplifing messages and I have spoken to many who have been keeping us in their prayers...I am sooo grateful for each of you. We have not lost our referral, but if it happens we will surely feel sorrow, but so many of you who have gone before us and experienced loss have given us the confidence that we will come through it. I am doing my best to give it all over to God. This entire process is so far out of our control that there is little else we can do. Each of you has told me that you can't imagine your life without the child you came home with and I am sure we will be led to ours by the grace of God. Thank you all for your encouragement!

Where is the Joy?

I really don't know if the way I feel is because of the agency I am using or if this is how it is for many people, but the process of adopting sucks and I am sorry, but it really makes me angry. I struggle with feelings of being shortchanged...pregnancy is associated with a joyous preparation period of nine months. For us - all there is is a stage of uncertainty, skepticism, fear and doubt. We have a "referral" from our agency, but I live on the fence every day and every minute between being confident that he will be our son and doubt that he even exists! Our agency director is not a very good communicator and it only adds to the angst of the entire process. I am a well-educated woman and I can recognize when someone is pulling my leg. When we signed with our agency it was 100% due to the photo of the child we saw on a photolisting. We went into this before researching the agency and that was a big mistake. After speaking to dozens of former clients it was clear that this agency's reputation was more than flawed. Unfortunately, at that point you have been sucked in emotionally and financially.

The director claims that 80% of the clients come home with their "referral" and only 20% lose their referral. This has been the BIGGEST LIE we were told. I only know of ONE family that used this agency that did not lose their referral. How on earth can someone make a claim like that when it is blatantly false? How does that make sense as a business? Lying to clients seems the most unlikely way of gaining respect and renown as a reputable agency. There are a group of families and we are all using this agency and staying in touch. They have all lost their referrals. Some of them have lost THREE so far! It really is sickening. We have not received that fatal call telling us our "referral" has been adopted, but I can't help think that it will probably come as soon as we submit our dossier. I keep telling myself it won't happen since our baby is a boy and 16 months old, but I know I am lying to myself. If we end up getting this child it will be nothing short of a miracle. If all I have to rely on is the agency's success record - we haven't a chance.

I am at the point of being numb. There are times when people ask "You must be so excited?" Well, lately I find it hard to answer affirmatively. In my mind I am thinking "Oh yeah...I am about as excited as someone getting chemo." I feel like there is so little hope given to you when adopting...at least in our experience. My agency won't even tell us which region our child is in!!! Everything is inconsistent with this agency too! I know that other couples have been told the region they will be traveling to so I have no idea why this information is being withheld from us. The only conclusion I can come to is that there is something to hide...perhaps that he isn't there!

The only comfort that I have at this point is that this man will have to answer to a much higher authority than me. If there have been intentional lies told, hearts broken, and people in despair as a result of those lies...God will surely hold him accountable. I pray that this child actually exists and that he is still there. If this does not turn out to be the case then all I can do is pray for this waiting period to move quickly. In the meantime I have to admit that I am becoming numb as a defense mechanism for going out of my mind.

And the days go by...

The days are ticking away and I should be happy since we are closer each day to traveling, but I feel like a hamster in a wheel. A new school year is almost upon us and I am usually ready to start by now, but I am feeling stuck in the mud. I know I am not alone in this...so many of us are waiting for the next step in our adoption journey.

I am not sure why, but I have been having A LOT of dreams about my past. It is very normal for me to dream...I have very vivid dreams, but to dream every night about my past is unusual. They aren't bad dreams either - just makes me wonder why the sudden onset of dreams relating to people from my childhood and teen years.

There are many couples (and single too) from our agency who are traveling soon or already in Kaz. I have them in my prayers and my heart is filled with joy for them! I know that each step of the journey will have ups and downs. I am focusing on prayer and I am thankful for this time "in wait" as it has forced me to focus on Him and His word and strengthen my faith.

Where are you from?

One of my favorite poems is Where I'm From by George Ella Lyons. I love this poem because it speaks to the place that you are from, not in the limited geographic sense, but from where you have been in your life's journey that has made you who you are today. What memories have shaped you and molded your beliefs? What generational memories do you share that make you feel notalgic? Do you think back fondly to taking the pick up truck out into the wide open Minnesota field with the Northern Lights serving as a backdrop to your youthful antics with a girl on your arm, a beer in your hand, a buddy with a smile, and Glen Miller on the radio like my grandfather recalls? Or are your memories of summers in the Catskills, cardgames, and momma's weekley bingo games? The poem by George Ella Lyons is this:

I am from clothespins, from Clorox and carbon-tetrachloride.
I am from the dirt under the black porch.(Black, glisteningit tasted like beets.)
I am from the forsythia bush, the Dutch elm whose long gone limbs I remember as if they were my own.
I'm from fudge and eyeglasses, from Imogene and Alafair.
I'm from the know-it-alls and the pass-it-ons, from perk up and pipe down.
I'm from He restoreth my soul with a cottonball lamb and ten verses I can say myself.
I'm from Artemus and Billie's Branch, fried corn and strong coffee.
From the finger my grandfather lost to the auger, the eye my father shut to keep his sight.
Under my bed was a dress boxspilling old pictures, a sift of lost facesto drift beneath my dreams.
I am from those moments - snapped before I budded - leaf-fall from the family tree.

So, my fellow bloggers...where are you from?

Showers of Happiness!

Hi everyone! My baby shower was yesterday and it was so wonderful! These are just a few pictures...me and my best friend, my cake, a beautiful blanket my best friend had made for me, teddies, diaper bag and the cute favors she made! It was such a special day with my closest friends and family. It makes it all feel so real! I got the all important umbrella stroller too! Lots of great gifts and the best company one could ask for :-)

A MUST HAVE FOR YOUR TODDLER!

If you are adopting or traveling with a toddler...this is a MUST HAVE! Many parents said they wish they had this when adopting their toddlers during the trip home. By age three a majority of the Baby Houses have potty trained the children. One mother stated that her child was "near hysterical" because he couldn't understand that it was okay to go in his pull-ups. Don't forget that the public restrooms in Kazakhstan are not as sanitary as one would hope.

$15.00 (plus shipping and tax for NJ residents)

Chicken Soup for the Adopted Soul

I was curious and was browsing the Chicken Soup for the Soul website and saw that they are now accepting stories for an upcoming book Chicken Soup for the Adopted Soul!!! Here's a link if you want to check it out:
http://www.chickensoup.com/StorySubmission/UpcomingBooks.asp

Something Truly Special for Your Baby!

My best friend bought me a really special journal for my birthday last year. The title is Words to Live By: A Journal of Wisdom for Someone You Love by Emily and Kate Marshall. The reason that it is special is because it was designed to be a journal that gathers wisdom from others in it's pages. It is meant to be passed to people you care about and then they write their tidbits of wisdom based on a prompt. Some prompts are:

• You will enjoy your work and accomplish much if you...
• I think loving relationships last when...
• In my experience, lasting friendships come from...
• These traditions and rituals have been meaningful or comforing to me...

You can ask people to pick a page they want to fill in or request they fill in a specific page. I plan on asking some of my child's caretakers to write their words of wisdom and then I will have it translated.

When he grows up he will have a book filled with the wisdom of people who have touched him life throughout the years!

PLEASE...if you buy this journal from Amazon - click on my link in the sidebar because I get a % when you link from my page :-) Thank you!!!

Comparing Husbands...

Okay ladies - I know that men are from mars and women are from venus, but my DH (and he truly is a wonderful man) just doesn't seem to get my neurosis with timeframes, information, blogs, obsessively overanalyzing our paperwork, stalking, etc... He seems rather "whatever happens will happen" about it all and it is driving me insane! Am I alone here? I feel like he should be a bit more anxious and obsessive (like me!!!). I am the person who has taken on the primary role as paperwork chaser. He has certainly complied with all my requests for papers, but I just feel I am way more involved in this than he is. His side: He tells me this entire process is horrible and there is so much uncertainty that he has a hard time feeling excited about what he can't see. Are there other hubbys out there struggling during this phase? Like pregnancy, I want him to be excited that we are having a baby! I feel like he is trying to protect himself emotionally. Any suggestions...or can I at least get an AMEN? Thanks!

Happy August!

It is hard to believe that it is August already! I am turning 32!!! this Sunday. My 30th was a hard birthday, but since then I have been okay. I suppose I'll get the blues again when I reach the 35 mark...something about being able to round up to 40 ;-) Tomorrow we get our fingerprints and then pray, pray, pray for a speedy I171h! My shower is Saturday too, so that will help ease the waiting time. I have been trying to do things that I know I won't have time to do when I go back to work in September. I am making our packing lists, cleaning up the basement, getting rid of old clothes (that unfortunately do not fit anymore), and preparing a lot of "TO DO" lists. Of course I have been blogging and obsessively reading up on my favorite blogs and perusing the Kazakhstan Yahoo group. It is great to be able to get answers to questions that pop up along the way.

I have been trying to focus on my faith and turning over my worries and fears to Him and not preoccupying my thoughts with things out of my control. This, needless to say, is not so easy for someone who is used to taking action when wanting something. Loss of control is not something I handle with ease. Praying and reading God's word helps me feel more secure in the bigger PLAN.