Moving to a New Apartment :(

I am not happy about it, but I have to move to another apartment tomorrow :( Apparently, the owner of the one I am in only wanted to rent it until April 1st. God, I just want to go home. I am really sick of this place. I know many people have said they loved and enjoyed their time here, but that certianly is not how we have felt. Don't get me wrong...the people have been very nice. However, being apart while becoming a family is the last thing that any new mother and father would want.

Stephen is ding well. He seemed a little crabby today, but who can blame him? He is probably sick of that little room and the same old toys every day. He is always tired by the end of our visit and wants to sleep, but they tell me not to let him sleep. It is quite the task. I can't wait to get some REAL nutrition into his little body. Some iron - the boy needs some iron! Okay, so that is it for my gripe session. Enjoy the pics!

Only 2 Pics Today...

Joe~we miss you soooooo much and can't wait to come home!

HOMESICK & JUST SICK

I am feeling soooo homesick. I have not felt well for a number of weeks now, but it has become something that just stays with me all day long. I have a constant headache and feel naseous all day long. I want to be with my husband desperately.

On a bright note: Stephen is all smiles as usual. He becomes more active each day and I know that when he is here at the apartment and back home in the U.S. he will be a tough little guy to keep up with :)

What a HANDSOME Little Devil!

God I could just eat him up!!!
That look spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E!

Little ham :)

So this is our cat?

This is a good book Mommy!

Daddy...I can't wait to eat - I mean see ... this cat!

That's right Shadow...get ready because I am coming home soon...ggrrrr!

A Picture ~ Another FAQ

Another question a few people have asked me is about the song playing on this blog. It is Simon Webbe (from the UK) and the name of the song is Coming Around Again. Some of the best music these days is coming out of the UK! Also, people have asked how to get music on their blog...there are many ways to get the music. Type in a google search and just look around. When you find one that can be put on a blog it will have an html code that you can copy and paste into your template.

Sorry I can't get more pictures these days, but it is difficult since I am alone and I either have to hold him or put him on a table that is 2ft. by 2ft. and then vigilantly watch him so he doesn't fly off the table :) They won't let me put him on the floor with a blanket :( They also think that if I sit on the cold floor I will get hemorrhoids! Uh - okay. So, I am pretty limited in my abilty to take pictures. Once he is living in the apartment with me there will be a lot more and perhaps some variety!

New Pictures!

Some of My FAVORITE PICTURES

Our Adoption Journey

FAQ's

A few people have e-mailed me similar questions so I thought it would be best to post the answers for all to see.

1 - How old is Stephen and when is his birthday?

He is eleven months old this Sunday and turns one on April 25th!

2 - How much longer are you going to be there? Why does it take so long?
If you do two trips you are here about 25 days for the first trip and the second trip is 17 days or so. After the flight and losing Stas I decided to stay the entire time and finsih in one trip. When it is one trip it is about 60 days. Unfortunately, the time we spent bonding with Stas did not count and we had to start all over again. So, I will be home some time around the last week in April or the first week in May.

The reason it takes so long is twofold: The bonding is manadatory (15 days) and when you go to court and the judge grants your adoption there is still another 15 day waiting period until it is official. The second part that makes it so long is that Stephen's birth certificate will be reissued with Joe and I as the parents keeping the DOB and place of birth the same. He also needs a passport and visa. When things are just about complete Stephen and I have to fly to Almaty to finish up the last steps: the SOS clinic examination and Embassy exit interview.

3 - Do you still get to visit Stephen during the waiting period? When can you take him to your apartment?

Yes, I still go to the orphanage every single day, seven days a week for an hour and a half each visit. I can take him to the apartment to live with me on April 4th when the adoption is offical and the waiting period ends.

4 - Do you know anything about his birthmother?

Just that she was 17 years old. Her name and the biological father's name (according to the mother's words) were given on his birth certificate.

If I get any other questions or remember any I forgot to answer I will add them. I tried to post a bunch of pictures but the word verification on Blogger is giving me a hard time.

I just want to say an extra special thank you to Muriel for forwarding the many messages she recieved when I made the blog private. I was shocked by how many people were following! Thank you to each and every blogger friend and fellow AP who sent words of encouragement and supported us with prayers and positive thoughts!

Happy New Year in Kazakhstan

A balloon release at the celebration

An interesting contest! Competetors had to climb up this pole the fastest to

win a washing machine. Uummm...notice he is wearing nothing but his briefs!

Me and Sveta in the Yurta

Me with a woman dressed in a traditional Kazak outfit

Everyone sharing a meal in the yurta

The children had car rides in these motorized cars

I think I caught the middle of "Dada" in this picture!

"Yes Daddy ~ this is still my favorite toy!"

Here I am cracking myself up!

"Don't you think I am sooooo funny Mommy?"

"We miss you sooooooooo much Daddy!"

Uuuughhh ~ they put the green medicine on my boy's forehead!

"Wow...you are so talented Mom! You are holding me and taking pictures...amazing!"

Thumb sucker by night (yes, I know it is daytime)

And it is not limited to thumbs...any finger will do!

Today is the Kazak New Year. Sveta took me to their celebration which is in the middle of town. It was very crowded and festive! There were many Yurtas set up by different organizations and we went inside one of them and enjoyed a bite to eat. It was great to see the inside of a traditional Yurta and share some traditional Kazak food with Sveta and others. Her husband came along as well! He is a nice guy and they are a cute couple. They will have fireworks tonight and I am hoping I will be able to see them from the apartment. I have a great view, but in the wrong direction. I miss my hubby soooo much! Stephen is still saying “Dada” and seems to enjoy when I say “Nyet (No)– MOMMA!” He just sticks his tongue out and says “Dada.” It is too funny…all the caregivers are trying to get him to say “Momma,” but “Dada” is all we get out of him :-)

So, I am struggling over my blog invites. I truly want to continue the journey with the support from the adoption community that has helped me and encouraged me so much. Yet, someone out there gave information to that crazy lady and I am just uncertain who is out there that may wish to inflict pain and suffering on me and my family for some sick twisted reason. Aahhh – the internet…such a blessing and a curse all at once.

So since, in my opinion, the “reason” for Orson not wanting me to post pictures has now been eliminated I see no reason why I can’t post away. Our little cutie man cracks me up. He cracks himself up! He is ticklish EVERYWHERE and laughs so hard…he squints his eyes closed and puts him head down. Way too cute!

Joe is HOME!

I could hardly sleep last night thinking about Joe's flight and praying all was okay. He called me this morning as soon as he walked in the door and I was so relieved that he is home safe and sound. Thank God! I miss him so much and wish we could all be together, but as many AP's know - the Kaz adoption process is long and difficult...eventually, someone needs to be at home and back at work.

I am still struggling over what to do with my blog access. I want those who have followed our journey to continue, but I also don't know who gave that crazy lady information about our child. She told another family that she got it from another AIP client. I just don't know anything anymore. Trust is becoming a major issue for me.

So, today is the Kazak New Year and another round of four day celebrations. Sveta is taking me to the center of town today to watch some of the celebration. Part of the street was closed off yesterday and they were setting up Yurtas and preparing for the day. It should be interesting and fun! I plan on taking lots of pics. I will post them later.

NOW I"M BEING STALKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A crazy woman wrote to me the MORNING of court to tell us that our boy is her "referral" and asking why she should suffer because of our loss. Now, today I got this crap:


The adoption is not final yet, and we feel that he is and will always be the son we were supposed to have. We are shocked that you were not even decent enough to be a good Christian woman and think of our feelings. Especially after your Please Help! Emails about Kathleen in Germany, and others losing there referrals. Why should we suffer because you were given your referral of Stas. *********** was never meant for you he was meant for us. It was NOT Gods will just people playing God. How could you KNOWINGLY take another AIPS referral we should have been there with him now. I am now grieving for our stillborn daughter Shannon, numerous IVF attempts, our 1st referral, and now *********. Why didn't you get on the plane and go home as your husband wished so that you could have grieved for Stas, since you were not happy with the other 3 referrals. When you get home that baby room was Stas's as ours was meant for ******, you think the little yellow ball was hard, just wait till you walk in the nursery and see Stas's clothing, blankets, toys, etc. I have not slept in 4 days now, and am not feeling well at all. ANd you are worried about a friend not calling you in Kaz. You didn't think that it was a sign that you couldn't bond or even take photos of *****. And you keep mentioning that ****** was second best. We have to watch ******* grow up on the internet possibly, and you are neighbors of my family on Garden. ( Small world!) Do you really feel this was the right thing to do? This is a vicious cycle with AIP that will NEVER end now! We wish the best for you and we feel badly for you about Stas, but its not all about you!

God help us all!

Flying Solo...

We took Joe to the airport about 45 minutes ago and I am back at the apartment getting reaady to go see Stephen in about 45 minutes. Joe's plane should take off in about 15 minutes. I miss him already :( The only thing positive this ordeal has done is make us realize even more how strong our love is. I love him with all of my heart and I can't wait to be back home as a family. God, I don't know how I am going to get through 6-7 weeks without him!

On a different matter...opinions needed please: My best friend of 26 years has been a great support up until this point. Since in Kaz - she called me once (when we lost Stas). I am hurt, angry and baffled. You have all read about this journey and the magnitude of our pain. Those who have been here understand what an ordeal this is. What gives? I just don't understand the lack of common sense to know that I NEED HER NOW. Opinions please. I am beyond rational anymore. I told her how I felt in an e-mail (that has been our form of communication while I have been here). I feel a "best friend" has a certain standard to live up to - to be there during the good times and the bad - and especially the excruciating. E-mail is not sufficient for such events. What do you think bloggers?

ADOPTION GRANTED!

Wow! I can't tell you what a weight has been lifted from our shoulders! Court went well this morning. The hardest part was waiting around for the judge to call us all in. Once we entered the judges office there were two ladies there as well. One was the prosecutor and the other I have no idea what her function was. The judge read us our rights and asked us if we have any problems/conflicts with any of the people in attendance. "No." Then we stood and reada our speech - first me and then Joe. Sveta translated and then we were aksed two simple questions and told to sit. The representative of the MOE spoke and requested that the adoption be granted as it is in the best interest of the child. Then the director of the baby house, Dr. Natalia spoke and stated that she requests that the judge grant our adoption as well.

When all was said and done we were asked to step out of the room while the judge made his decision. He called us back in within five minutes and read a statement that he was "satisfying our application" and Sveta told us the adoption was granted. So, in fifteen days he will officially be Stephen Joseph De Lorenzo.

What an awesome feeling! The first bit of good fortune we have had in a VERY long time! We visited with Stephen this afternoon and Joe was sad since this was his last visit as he leaves in the morning. I told him I am sure the time will go fast and we will all be together soon! I can't wait to close this chapter of our lives and move forward.

Uuummm...What About Mommy?

Stephen has taken quite the liking to his Papa these past few days! And as I suspected "Papa" and "Dada" are his first two favorite words! So, uuummm - what about Mommy? Since I am educator I happen to know that the "m" sound is very difficult for babies so perhaps that is the reason for this blatent disregard for mama - lol! All kidding aside it is nice to watch my dh and my boy together. Since Joe is flying home this week and these are his last few days with Stephen I am glad he gets this special time with him.

Unfortunately, we found out that the waiting period is not going to be waived :-( So I will be here to the end of April/first week of May. That will give me plenty of time to teach Stephen to say "Mommy" - lol! I am not happy at all that I am going to be away from my hubby for so long. I am trying not to even think about it because I get overwhelmed at the thought.

We went over our speech with Sveta today and inserted where we will pause so she can translate. It was comforting to do that with her and we are SOOOOOOOO HAPPY that Sveta is translating in court and not someone else. First of all, Sveta is the BEST translator here. I honestly can't say enough about her skills...it is amazing that she knows english so well. Second, she is a WONDERFUL person and I don't even think she realizes how comforting it has been knowing that we can rely on her 100%. There are days we can't believe she is only 23 years old because she has more common sense than people twice her age. So, at least we have her in our corner tomorrow.

I woke up yesterday feeling naseous and had a horrible headache. I threw up in the morning (I'll spare you all the details). Joe went to visit Stephen at the orphanage by himself. I was so sad that I couldn't see my boy :-( I think that is when Joe secretly gave him lessons on saying "Dada" and "Papa" - lol. My headache stayed with my the entire day. I have also been having horrible nightmares. For anyone who knows me - this is never a good thing since I talk and scream in my sleep. I screamed out at 4 am this morning and woke Joe up. That is also never a good thing since he can't fall back asleep :-( I think the constant headache is stress related.

So, I'll post tomorrow after court!

COURT: MONDAY @ 11:00 a.m.

Our court date was officially confirmed for Monday at 11:00 a.m. We can't wait to get over this hump! It has been such a long road. I am happy for my dh as he is outta here Tuesday, but I am dreading another few weeks here by myself. I also know the judge usually NEVER waives the 15 day waiting period unless the child needs immediate surgery. So the chances of me getting home any time soon are slim.

We had lunch with the Frank and Kim Jury today at the Pancake House. It was nice to get out with another American family! They are enjoying their time with their son and he is eating up all of their love and attention! The photographer was at the orphanage today taking pictures of the children for their passports...so that is another thing checked off all of our lists.

Our bonding period ended Thursday and it has felt great not having to sign the book anymore or take the mandatory "family picture" for court. Of course we still take plenty of pictures, but it feels much better when you are not worried about it out of obligation for court. Ah, yes...speaking of pictures - many people have said they can't wait for pictures to be posted after court. Sorry! We were told we still may not post pictures even after court! Uuughh.

Looking forward to Monday!!!

Court on Monday...

Well, we found out that court will be Monday (although nothing is ever etched in stone in Kazakhstan). We have to stop at the court tomorrow morning to file our papers. We are glad that we are about to reach another milestone. Tomorrow (Thursday) is Day 15 of the bonding period. We continue to pray hard for the 15 day waiting period to be waived.


Stephen’s cold is still hanging around. Some days he is just out of it and tired. Today was a great day and he gave Daddy a lot of attention! I think he knows that Daddy is sad he won’t see him for a few weeks. He is such a sweet little angel. We are growing tired of going to the orphanage. An hour and a half is far too short and you are stuck in a tiny room. After a while it feels like Groundhog’s Day II – lol.

We wrote our speech for court. In all honesty it seems a bit excessive and redundant. Everything we are saying is right there in the million page dossier we spent months preparing. We have to introduce ourselves, tell about our age, jobs, marriage, finances, feelings about the child, etc… We had to keep a journal for each day of the bonding period and take a photograph of all three of us together each day to prove to the court that we actually went through the bonding period. Our translator now has to translate the journal entries and our speech into Russian for court. We were told that court is about 45 minutes to an hour.

So, that is all that is new here. I will post after court on Monday!!!

Not much new...

Not much new here. We will finally start going to the orphanage twice a day now that Stephen is feeling better. We are still praying that court will be this Friday, but if not it will be next Monday. We can’t wait! Joe is looking forward to getting home and being back at work although he wishes me and Stephen could come home with him as a family. No matter how many times you hear it or read about how boring it is here…you don’t know until you are actually going through it.

Two families I have been corresponding with via e-mail are due to arrive here soon (one should be here in the morning!) and we are looking forward to meeting them! We feel like veterans here now – lol. I am sure they will be exhausted and excited when they arrive and filled with the anticipation of meeting their child. I certainly can’t say enough positive things about the orphanage, the director and the staff so I am sure they will be made to feel welcome.

I fed Stephen for the first time today! I must have looked quite ridiculous because they made me put on an apron and a cloth around my head (and always the mask). Boy…Stephen can eat! He gets annoyed if it isn’t coming fast enough! They told us that he can’t stand if someone eats or drinks anything in front if him and doesn’t share. Too funny! He also has his standard sign that he is tired – he starts sucking his thumb and looks for the closest soft thing he can get his hands on. It is really cute – he grabs a hold of whatever it may be and uses that same hand to suck his thumb. Too precious! The caretakers always pull his thumb out, but I think it is cute (I am sure I’ll regret it later – lol).

As far as bonding…I hope some of you experienced AP’s can give some insight/advice. We are sure he does not recognize us as “special” people yet. He is also a good baby and easy going, but he has no qualms about anyone at all holding him. At times he doesn’t even seem very interested in us. We realize we are still strangers to him. When did you start to see signs of recognition from your baby? Was there a point when he or she did not want to be held by “strangers” or did the indiscrimination continue for some time? I am always trying hard to gain eye contact with him for a prolonged time, but we are limited by what we can accomplish in an hour and a half. Of course – being a teacher – I read into everything he does and probably overanalyze it all!

How did you approach bonding and attachment in your family?

International Women’s Day

Today is a major holiday here in Kazakhstan. They are celebrating International Women’s Day ~ it is very similar to our Mother’s Day only it is for all women. Banks and many businesses are closed. EVERYONE has gone to the bakery for a cake and just like at home…we see many men out getting flowers and cake last minute – lol! It is nice to observe the hustle and bustle of a holiday in Kazakhstan.

Our little guy was not himself today. Either he did not get much sleep or his cold is knocking him out. He fell asleep after only a half an hour together. He just wasn’t interested in playing today L Poor little guy. Mommy was more than happy to hold and rock him. Hopefully, he will feel better tomorrow.

We are praying very hard that court is the 16th (although that was only a maybe…we were told it will most likely be the 19th). We are also praying very hard about the waiting period being waived. We know it is highly unlikely, but you never know. Speaking of prayers ~ thank you all for your support, prayers and encouragement. We are overwhelmed by how many people reached out to us from the adoption community. It is greatly appreciated!

Continuing to Heal

Each day Joe and I are moving forward and continuing to heal. I do believe that our strength is coming from above, but Joe’s faith has been shaken by all of the events that have taken place. I pray hard for him and I do believe that all of the prayers for us have been heard and I am thankful for the faith others offered when ours was broken. Stephen is a very good, healthy cutie and I can’t emphasize enough how strong and determined he is. Hmmm…a strong willed child? I can’t believe God thought we would be the right parents for Him - lol. He is a beautiful child and we feel blessed to have him as our son in spite of all the pain we have had to endure to get to this point. I wish I could post pictures of his beautiful smile for all to see, but it is just not possible right now.

We were so happy to see another couple that we met here in the car this morning holding their son getting ready to leave the orphanage forever. They were beaming! Their baby boy, Connor, is just precious and Mom and Dad were feeling on top of the world to finally be leaving together as a family. It was uplifting to see the joy that is just around the corner for us. I am sure words cannot express the relief of knowing you never have to come “visit” your child anymore. I also pray that by some miracle the waiting period is waived after court and we can take Stephen away from there. Dr. Natalia and all of the caretakers took us by surprise with the depth of empathy and love they surrounded us with these past few days. All of the caretakers were heartbroken for us and want us to have the child “destined” to be ours. Although we do not speak their language…hugs are universal. We are so impressed with Dr. Natalia’s professionalism and ability to maintain a deep personal love and affection for each of the children in the orphanage and a respect for the parents who are there to adopt them. I wish every orphanage had a woman like her in charge.

Orson and Nigmat have provided great support and encouragement to us as well. They truly went above and beyond to make sure we were united with our son and I am thankful for their determination. I have so much more to say about Orson and AIP and the entire process, but it will be another day for all of that. All I will say for now is that when you are here in Kazakhstan and you see firsthand the intricacies and the bureaucracy involved it makes things much, much clearer.

One Step Forward

Today was my third day and Joe’s second with our new baby boy. We met with Dr. Natalia (Director of the Orphanage) first thing this morning. We are not at liberty to reveal information about him, but I will say that he is under a year old and healthy. Dr. Natalia spoke at length with us about our grief and sadness over losing Stas. She answered the many questions we had about his birthmother’s return. Sadly, his birthmother placed blame on other people and circumstances for being absent from her son’s life for his entire first year of life, but Dr. Natalia and others told her it is nobody else’s fault but her own. She needs to take responsibility…she is a grown woman over thirty years old! God knows she is not healthy as she described her as haggard looking and older than her age. I pray she realizes how close she was to losing her son forever. Had we gone to court she could have cried all day long and it would not have changed anything…she would have lost him for good.

I do believe some of God’s plan and His hand were revealed to us today. The information we received about this new boy and the circumstances by which he came to us would not have been possible even a week ago…so perhaps there was, after all, a purpose to these horrible circumstances. It is so hard that there truly are no words to describe this pain. Joe and I both weep on and off throughout the day and talk endlessly about why this happened ~ hashing over every possible scenario. To add salt to the wound…our new boy is in the same room/group as Stas…so we have to visit in the same room we were visiting with Stas. They told us they took Stas out of the room today, but when we opened the door ~ there he was! He looked right at us! I tried to close the door before my husband had seen him, but it was too late.

My husband’s chest has been bothering him and I worry so much that the stress of all this is going to give him a heart attack! This is not to say that I am not stressed out, but I have experienced great loss of this magnitude before in my life and he has not. This is really the first time he has “lost” someone he loves. I pray every minute of the day for his healing. Going through this together has only made us stronger and I feel blessed for the marriage we have.

Our court date may be on March 16th (Friday), but the safer date is March 19th (Monday). Please pray that all goes smoothly from here so my husband may fly back home as planned on March 20th. I know in my heart that true healing will not take place for him until he is home. I will be staying so please pray for me to have strength and peace.

We are keeping the name Stephen Joseph ~ we always called Stas by his name and not Stephen so we don’t really associate the name with him. Stas will remain in our hearts and minds as our little Stas. Stephen’s personality is both similar and different than Stas. I have a feeling that Stephen will have a bit of a stubborn streak and give him mommy and daddy a challenge at times! He is strong and very persistent and focused when he wants something and we can see how “No” may not be a word he will like very much – lol. Hmmm…I am sure Joe’s mother will say that sounds familiar! Not me of course…I was a perfect child!

Where is God's Mercy?

Joe went to the orphanage today with me. He saw the baby boy I was shown yesterday. I played with the baby and Joe played with him as much as he could, but the pain was there…surrounding us like a cloak. And this poor innocent baby who is precious and cute and had we known nothing from the start would probably capture our hearts in an instant sits in the arms of a mother who desperately wants to love him and feel the joy that was hers only two days before only brought by another child. He was our child ~ Stephen ~ a blog friend wrote it in simple terms that hit home…everyone says you will just “know” and we did; we knew with every fiber of our being that Stas was our son. How do you now convince yourself otherwise? This new child is a perfect child in his own right and he is being robbed just as much as we are. I had a total of six hours to grieve and then look at other children! Six hours! My husband has had a little more, but is certainly not ready to nor have the desire to choose another child.

We do not feel like taking pictures. How is that fair to this baby. This is supposed to be a joyous event that we can recall and tell him stories of in his lifebook and recall the “moment” he was placed in our arms. What will there be to tell him now? That we chose him as an alternative and hoped for the best? That our hearts were empty and we did not have that hopeful anticipation that we experienced only a few days ago when coming to visit him? That instead of dreading the end of our brief hour and a half visit that we sighed with relief because it was all we could bear?

How can two people be expected to make such tremendous life choices under the unhealthiest conditions one can imagine. There is not a social or mental health practitioner that would tell you that what we are doing is healthy, advisable or rational. We are making life choices under stressful and grievous conditions. We are in pain, we are isolated here in an apartment halfway across the world where we spend 22 hours a day! And yet what is our alternative? Go home empty handed and try to regroup? Then what? Update our paperwork and wait for another LOI? Go through this unmerciful flight again? Joe cannot just freely up and leave his job whenever he pleases for weeks on end. Who could?

The baby took the little yellow ball that Stas loved to play with and put it in his mouth and I saw the hurt on my husband’s face. I knew what he was thinking and seeing in his mind. It was like watching a knife go through him. What wife would not give her life to take away her husband’s pain? I can only hold him and love him. He broke down and cried when we got home just thinking about that little yellow ball! He speaks freely about his feelings to me and I understand every emotion too well. He wants his son. My heart shattered as he told me today that he never experienced such joy as he did when we were visiting Stas all these days. He couldn’t wait until we got home and downloaded the pictures. We would sit here each night and look over the pictures a hundred times counting the hours until we could get back to the orphanage. That was what kept us going ~ able to endure this bleak country and this apartment, isolation and boredom.

We both wish we had some divine intervention right now. There is no crueler approach that God could have taken and the anger with my Father is deep – a rage inside and a demand for answers and justice. Why would He allow this cruelty? There is no revelation of His plan? He has forsaken us when we need Him the most. I dare challenge Him at this time, in writing and publicly, to show His hand in this ~ to show His mercy for His children. I keep thinking over and over in my mind of the passage “Behold! I am doing a new thing. Do you not perceive it?” My answer is emphatically “NO LORD ~ I do not perceive it! I do not perceive YOU! I wait upon YOU to reveal Your plan. Where is that plan for hope and a future? Have you lied to us? Have you abandoned us? Set us up for failure? Where the hell are YOU????”

Where Do We Go From Here???

Right now I wish I could close my eyes and let someone else do all the decision making for me. We can get a flight out of here on Sunday at 3 am. About six hours after losing Stephen Almagul called and said they had other children for us to see. Joe wanted no part of it…but I went. I cried in the car – I cried in the director’s office – I just want to cry forever.

They showed me a Kazakh baby boy, a Russian three year old boy and a Kazakh baby girl. The Russian boy was cute and sweet, but we did not imagine an older child. They called to say they have another boy to show us in the morning. Again, Joe wants nothing to do with this, so I will go without him. Please pray for my husband…he is inconsolable. He is a sensitive man – not to be misconstrued for weakness, but he loves deeply when he allows someone in and Stephen captured his heart completely. I have not allowed myself to really think about this and grieve out of fear I will break in a million pieces. I feel numb.

I don’t know what to do. I could say “Fine, let’s get on the plane and never look back.” But what would we have at home? An empty nursery, a year of hopes and dreams, not to mention thousands of dollars – all gone, lost, for nothing? How would we move on from the magnitude of that loss? I can’t force my husband to feel anything right now. I can’t imagine he will bond with another baby. I need to have strength and clarity for both of us right now. I need a miracle.

I saw another baby boy this morning that I can't say too much about due to confidentiality issues. He is under a year old and healthy. He is cute. I am trying hard to see past my pain and not compare this baby to Stephen, but it is near impossible. My husband has agreed to see this child tomorrow. We just do not know what the right thing is to do from here.

DEVASTATED BEYOND WORDS

We were just informed that Stephen's mother came back yesterday for his birthday after we left. We cannot have him. Please pray for us.

Happy FIRST Birthday Stephen!

"Yummy! I wasn't allowed to eat cake, but Mommy let me lick frosting from her finger!"
"Okay...I think I had enough of this hat now."

"Are you going to put this candle on my cake?"

"Yeah it's my birthday. I guess it's a big deal to all these people!"

Here is the cute cake we picked up yesterday! It was good - lots of marshmallow.

Stephen's birthday was great! He really was ham with all the attention! He was all smiles as soon as he saw us! The caregivers said he knows we are his mama and papa :) The hat was just way too cute!!! It took a long time before he realized he didn't want it on his head anymore. Axana, from the Ministry of Education, was there today too. The caregivers wouldn't let him eat cake :-( I did sneak him some frosting though :) We bought the newspaper here for a momento of his first birthday! It was a very good day indeed! We are also amazed that tomorrow is Friday and we are approaching two weeks here in Kaz. We can't wait until we can be with Stephen all day!