A Beautiful Poem

Wait

by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .

And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate

Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?

I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,

Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:

I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,

As my Master replied again, "Wait."

So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,

And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .

and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.

You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;

You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love

When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.

You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask

From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,

But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.

And though oft My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake

This is the BEST book I have read dealing with infertility, miscarriage and adoption loss. There is no other book out there that addresses the issues with such depth and honesty as this book. Each chapter also has a "Burden Bearers" section for friends and family of the person living through the journey toward parenthood in a manner in grave contrast to the way they dreamed it would be. This is also the ONLY book out there that addresses adoption loss.

I realize that it seems to be a defeated attitude for me to be reading about "adoption loss" when our battle is not over, but this book speaks to the ceaseless questioning that the struggle itself brings to the surface. Author Jennifer Saake honestly shares her own questions and anger with God as well as her feelings of jealousy, envy and entitlement.

Perhaps the greatest struggle in my own thinking right now is "Okay, God - so we did not conceive a child biologically. We accepted that. We moved forward on the journey of adoption. Now you have placed enormous obstacles in our path again. Do you not want us to be parents at all??? Why did you not close the door to this adoption sooner? You could have made it financially impossible if this was the wrong path. There are so many other ways You could have set us off this path! Why allow us to love these three beautiful boys and not open the way for us to bring one of them home to be our son???"

Again, this may end with us bringing Stephen home. Surely, it will be much easier for me to accept the obstacles in our path if it ends with us bringing our son home. I can handle almost anything if I know our son will be placed in our arms. The uncertainty is what eats away at us. If Stephen cannot be ours we want to know and begin to heal and move on with our lives. Instead, we are trapped in this vortex of uncertainty and at the mercy of two people (Inna and her POA) who do not have Stephen's best interests in their hearts.

Just knowing that the court can rule in our favor and they can appeal it ONCE again drives me insane. Joe and I have resigned ourselves to the fact that they probably will appeal the next decision as well (if it is in our favor). The only comfort is that would be their last resort unless they were willing to go all the way to the Supreme court in Kazakhstan. Considering that taking this to Supreme court would require a great deal of resources (both financially and intellectually) we highly doubt that Inna or her POA would take it that far. She is also going to give birth in the near future and have that obstacle placed before her. We have already informed all parties involved that we would be willing to adopt the child she is carrying as well. I am confident that this child will end up in the orphanage within the first year of his/her life. I just pray she doesn't inflict any permanent damage before that time...although drinking during pregnancy is about as damaging as can be!

There is nothing we can do now except pray. I was informed that I must return to work asap. I chose May 7th as a return date. I am not looking forward to answering numerous questions. All of my students know about our adoption and will be excited to know about our baby. If one more person tells me or Joe that they think this is a scam I am going to scream. I completely understand why someone would think that - we actually wish it was a scam! Then we could just pay whoever wants money and move on with our lives. Our adoption agency is actually losing money...I stayed in Kazakhstan for 60 days, but only paid for forty. The staff in Kaz continues to work on our case well beyond the time frame expected. Inna has not asked for money. Her POA has not asked for money. We cannot risk offering money without the fear of being arrested for baby trafficking. The only "option" presented was to adopt Inna and her unborn child and that is simply out of the question!

I have no qualms about assisting Inna financially and otherwise if she would accept it. If we finally reach the end of this adoption journey and have our son I will extend my assistance to her. My husband thinks it is crazy and reminds me that I am not Mother Theresa and can't help her since she is too far gone, but I feel otherwise. I have pondered whether that is the reason God placed this obstacle before us. If it is His will for me to help her - I will.

No News...

A new court date has not been set yet. We did find out, however, that this idiot POA can appeal the court's decision again if they rule in our favor at the next hearing. Hopefully, he will give up and let it go. With how things have gone for us to date I am sure he will appeal it again and drag this out a little bit longer (that is IF the court rules in our favor).

I feel so hopeless. You get to the point where you just don't want to deal with anything. Every aspect of this adoption has been out of our control from the start and you just keep telling yourself it will be worth it in the end. But what do you do when there is no end in sight? What do you do with the dream of a happy ending when it doesn't come? I've experienced disappointment and loss in my life before. I realize that life will go on no mater what happens, but I am growing tired of everything being an uphill battle.

A Sweet Smelling Tree for a Sweet Boy

Joe and I bought a Lavender Lady Lilac tree and planted it in our backyard to honor Stephen's birthday today. I LOVE the smell of lilacs in bloom and the sweet smell carries so far on a nice breezy day...so I know it will be a sweet reminder of our son. I pray the memory will be one that has a happy ending and not memories of "what could/should have been."

Tomorrow, April 26th, also happens to be our first referral's (Alexander) second birthday. Some of you have actually met him...our little Sasha... and held him in your arms and prayed for him. Tonight I pray that the issues that presented an obstacle preventing us from adopting him eventually are resolved. Alex deserves a family just as much as our little Stas and our sweet Stephen. I can't bear the thought that ANY of these precious boys will remain in an orphanage indefinitely.

Happy First Birthday Stephen...We Miss You!

Today's prevailing emotion fo me ~ anger. I am angry that I can't spend Stephen's first birthday with him and even more angry that he may not be our son in the end so celebrating may be moot. I miss him so much and yet I have to force myself to detach to some degree. I am angry that this is happening to us as so many other adoptions move forward without a glitch (not that I want a glitch for anyone...I just don't want ours!). I just want this nightmare to be over.

Aspiring to Be Like the Mighty Oak Tree...

Someone sent me a card with a message of encouragement and it really touched me. It is called "The Oak Tree" and it reads:

A mighty wind blew night and day.

It stole the oak tree's leaves away,

Then snapped its boughs

and pulled its bark

until the oak was tired and stark.

But still the oak tree held its ground

while other trees fell all around...

The weary wind gave up and spoke,

"How can you still be standing, Oak?"

The Oak tree said "I know that you

can break each branch of mine in two,

carry each leaf away,

shake my limbs, and make me sway.

But I have roots stretched in the earth,

growing stronger since my birth.

You'll never touch them, for you see,

they are the deepest part of me.

Until today, I wasn't sure

of just how much I could endure.

But now I've found, with thanks to you,

I'm stronger than I ever knew.

While I am happy to be home with Joe...it is bittersweet. I have no new information yet...there is likely nothing new to report to us. We don't expect that court will take place until the first week of May at earliest. Honestly, I realize that it is not over yet, but I can't hold out hope any longer. Every time I believed things were going to work out - they didn't. I am at the point where I think I am fooling myself. Joe has not lost hope yet. He just can't see how Inna can win this, but I know exactly how she can "win" this battle for Stephen's precious life - she is his biological mother.

Joe and I spent the weekend going to our favorite places. We were married in Peddler's Village in Lahaska (Bucks County), Pennsylvania and it is our favorite place to go. We always enjoy sitting in the beautiful gazebo where we exchanged our vows. The weather has been beautiful and it has been healing just to be home with Joe. He took off from work until Wednesday so we can spend some extra time together.

Stephen's first birthday is Wednesday. It is so hard knowing we will not be there to celebrate his first year of life. It is even harder to think that we may never share a birthday with him at all. Joe would like to do something to commemorate the day, but I am not sure how I feel about that right now. I just don't want to continually set myself up for more pain and heartbreak.

HOME...

This just wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I felt like I was leaving my heart behind as the plane lifted off the runway. This was the hardest experience I have had to go through and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Joe and I have loved and lost three sons. The last thing I ever imagined was being on that plane alone. Every baby made me think of what we have been robbed of: the happy ending that this hellish year was supposed to bring. Instead I feel like an outside observer of a nightmare I prayed would never have happened…couldn’t fathom happening. How does this happen to a couple three times? I am sitting in Frankfurt right now and I still can’t believe this is ME…what the hell happened?

I realize this sounds negative and defeated, but you have to realize that as that place lifted off the ground I had the hollowest feeling one could experience. What else could someone feel as they leave their son behind knowing full well they may never see him again? That is the cold hard truth of the matter. We may indeed never see Stephen again. Sadly, Inna gave birth to him…and in this WORLD (the US too) that takes precedent over EVERYTHING. Just the fact that she is showing an IOTA of interest and does not want him to be adopted forces the fact that the court will likely not grant this adoption a raw reality for me.

I am not sure where Joe and I will go from here. Court will take place some time in the next three weeks. Almagul will represent us and I know how fiercely Axana will fight, but my heart tells me it is over. For me…the grieving began the minute the plane took off.

I pray that Alexander, Stas and Stephen – the three sons we loved and lost – will be loved and cared for. I will always think of them and they will be in my heart for all time. I do not know why God led us down this road only to hit a brick wall. I struggle with “God is good, kind, gracious, etc…” when things like this are allowed to happen. I often tell Him “You have GOT to be kidding ME! Where are YOU?” I can’t reconcile these events with His word. Where is the sense – it seems if you BELIEVE you are doomed to suffering and martyrdom. Suffer, suffer, suffer, but still have faith? It doesn’t equate. ALL of beliefs have been challenged. I feel like a child who has been spun and spun and now I am trying to pin the tale on the donkey. My sense of direction – my understanding of everything has been called into question.

Joe – MY EVERYTHING – what would I do without you? You are incredible…destined to be my husband, the love of my life and my best friend. I feel like I have failed you somehow. I am coming home without our child. I wasn’t able to give you a child and now I wasn’t able to bring any of these sweet babies into our life. It feels like a cruel and twisted joke to have a love like ours and not be able to share it with children to call our own. “I am sorry” doesn’t even begin to express the grief I feel for both of us.

I am Just as CONFUSED as Everyone Else

While this ruling today was NOT positive for Inna...it was neutral for us I suppose. This court basically rejected her appeal, but it is beyond their scope to sort through all of this mess - that is for family court to deal with in their eyes. It will be a big production now - all these witnesses: police, neighbors, caregivers at the orphanage, Inna's former orphanage director, etc... will have to appear in court to testify. This POA is TOTAL nut!!! Inna could not get a single fact straight today in court. She apparently lives with this POA dirty old man, but also lives with some other guy! She doesn't know who the baby's father is. The judge asked Mr. POA if he is the father and he said no, but Inna just didn't answer. Half the time she had no answer and contradicted herself! It is amazing that these low-lifes' have the right to screw a child's entire life up with NO REPERCUSSIONS!

Axana, the woman from the MOE broke down and cried after court out of sheer anger and frustration. Anyone who knows Axana will be surprised to hear that - she is the most cool, calm and collected lady you could ever meet. I broke down IN COURT as the psychologist was explaining that Stephen is delayed...he is a year old next week and can't sit up by himself! She described the condition he was in when he arrived to the orphanage and I wanted to reach over and strangle Inna!

Many have asked if it will be the same judge in the court - NO. It has to be a new judge, new prosecutor, etc... I suppose it is positive that the judge who originally ruled in our favor obviously works with whoever will get the case. I have no doubt that these judges talk and influence one another.

I can't even keep track of Inna's story myself. Maybe that is the key - have no answers to anyone's questions in life and you can just walk around clueless and not be responsible for anything. When people try to hold you accountable just give them six different answers until they give up. God only knows who she is sleeping with, who she is living with, who she is pregnant by, where she lives...it is all a big mystery. Amazing the amount of power this 19 year old GIRL can weild over so many lives.

BEWARE: Our case has made them change the rules!!! If a baby is abandoned...now the orphange must take steps to find the mother. If they can't find her they need a judge's ruling that she is "missing" in order to have all their ducks in a row if this case ever comes up again. Sadly, now that our case has opened up a pandora's box...the prosecutor is objecting other adoptions...Almagul is dealing with many appeals now!

More Beauracratic Bullshit...

The court rejected Inna's appeal and they are sending it back to the urban court. I can't take another minute here. I need to be home with my husband. I could be here until June while they act like the blind leading the blind! I have not a single ounce more in me to continue. Almagul has power of attorney for me and Joe and she will represent us. It isn't even about us anymore. It is all a "he said/she said" while Stephen sits and rots away in the orphanage.

Counting the Hours (Again)

It is Wednesday evening here. I can't wait to get to court...never thought I would say that in my lifetime - lol. Joe and I and our family and friends are feeling positive about our case. Inna may not even show up tomorrow. We also got very positive feedback from Almagul...so God willing - this nightmare will end tomorrow. I miss our little boy so so much! I can't wait to hold him and kiss him and love him every minute!

I miss my husband soooooooooooo badly. I just want to get home with Stephen and move forward already. I certainly don't know why this has happened to us. There are a few positives that came from all of this though. I feel stronger...I don't think I will sweat the small stuff much after this ordeal. My relationship with God has become more personal...not to say I haven't had my share of "words" with Him - oh I have cried out to him far too many times to count since this adoption journey began. I certainly am not a perfect believer and my faith waivers many times, but I am trying my best. When I am afraid to trust Him - I just tell Him. All I can do is be honest.

So many of you have said this should be a book or movie. Hmmm...perhaps a Lifetime channel show - lol. Lord knows it has enough drama! Maybe we can make some money from it now that we are flat broke - lol.

Thank you ALL for your support, prayers, encouragement, phone calls and positive energy. It means the world to me and Joe to know we have so many people rooting for us and precious Stephen to become a family. I hope I can post a huge HOORAY tomorrow!

FAQ's

Will the decide for certain on the 19th?

Yes, the will make a decision on the 19th even if Inna does not show up.

What are you going to do about your visa expiring?

Almagul took it today and it costs $250 to extend your visa.

If they rule in your favor on Thursday can you take Stephen and get the heck out of that crazy country?

IF they rule in our favor I can go directly to the orphanage and get Stephen either that day or the next day. Unfortunately, I cannot leave this crazy country until Stephen's new birth certificate, passport and other papers are finalized. So I will still be here another 2-3 weeks. Lovely!

Court Postponed to THURSDAY the 19th...

Okay, seriously today was truly like an episode of the twilight zone. We arrived at court around 9:45 am. We all sat around chatting for a while and saw Inna’s POA arrive around 10:15 am. I think it was about 11:30 am when this man (if you can call him that!) comes and sits next to me and passes me a note! Okay…it is in Russian obviously so I give it to Almagul and she and Axana and Sveta are reading it and saying things to each other and I am getting aggravated because I want to know what he said. Then Almagul explained to me that he said perhaps I should adopt Inna (five-six months pregnant and all) and that she can work for us as our maid!!! I was like WHAT?!? Is this guy out of his mind!!! Almagul and Axana were going back and forth with this little man and telling him that he is crazy. I wanted to know “Well, what is your interest in this Mr. POA?” All he said was that he is an acquaintance. Yeah, right! I told him that I am highly suspect of a man his age being acquainted with a nineteen year old orphan. Hmmm...no response.

Then some guy sitting in front of us probably got sick of listening to all of this and said “Save it for the courtroom – you can fight it out in there.” I dragged Almagul outside to explain to me all that he was saying because by now I am really worked up, ready to choke him and feeling pretty annoyed that they are not translating what this guy is saying word-for-word. She just told me he is crazy and thinks I should adopt her and take her to the US to be our maid and maybe she will meet an American man who can take care of her!


Finally, we get called into court. Great! Here we go…they ask us who is present and everyone says there name and position. Then they get to Mr. POA and the BIG question was asked to him: “Where is Inna – who is so interested in this case?” the judge questions with sarcasm. Are you ready for this??? Mr. POA states that he thinks that I paid to have Inna arrested or her leg broken – or maybe I had her killed!!! Okay, now I am really pissed off! God, if I had that kind of money and power I would have had HIM killed NOT her!

Can you believe this? Then the judges have to ask if there are any objections to them or anyone else in the courtroom. Once again, Mr. POA says he objects to everyone and everything because he thinks that the judges have been paid off since he wanted court on the 24th and they moved it up a week for me. Almagul explained that my visa expires on the 19th. They ask me what I think of his objection to the judges and the date. I tell them I think it is crazy and that I object to it being postponed. I explain about my visa and state that postponing the hearing is only hurting the baby.

Then they tell us to step out while they decide what to do. Ten minutes later we are called back in and they say they are going to proceed with the hearing first thing in Thursday morning. They tell Mr. POA to find his missing girl dead or alive and bring her to court Thursday or else they are going to decide the case without her.

“Dawn, do you want us to go anywhere?” Almagul asks.
“Yes, please…may we stop at the liquor store?”

PLEASE LIGHT A VIRTUAL CANDLE FOR US

http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=SJD

It is Monday afternoon here in Kazakhstan and court will be tomorrow at 10:30 am. Please, please light a virtual candle for us by clicking on the link above or the picture of the candle and then choosing a candle to light by clicking on it. If you have a blog it would be greatly, greatly appreciated if you could place a lit candle with a link and prayer request on your blog. If you do not have a blog you could e-mail your prayerful friends with a prayer request and the link. Joe and I thank you all in advance for your prayers and support during this difficult time.

I am so nervous, but I am leaning on the Lord to bring me through this. Only God knows what the court's decision will be, but I can only hope and pray that His will is for Stephen to be with us...in our arms to love and protect and cherish forever.

I MISS OUR LITTLE MAN

I have not been allowed to see our precious angel for eleven days now and it feels like eleven years. I miss him so, so much. All I can do is look throuhg the pictures and smell his blanket, but it is like torture to do so. I just want my baby. He must be wondering where the heck I went! I envy Inna - she can go and see him anytime she wants...and yet she doesn't. She still has not gone to see him. I am glad she hasn't, but I want to go see him so bad it hurts.

I am praying like crazy. I have begged God ~ I would give anything so we can have our son.

No News...

It looks like we are just going to have to wait until Tuesday for the big decision. Fine by me...I just wish I didn't have my hopes raised that we would have an answer by today. Everything looks 100% in our favor, but I do not want to get my hopes up and be even more devastated than I already am. Let's just all hope that they do what is best for Stephen. They would be sealing his fate if they allow him to stay here.

Sveta coaxed me into going to the park and zoo today. It really is a catch-22...I hate being cooped up in the apartment, but I also nearly burst into tears when we are out and I see all the mom's walking their babies in the nice weather. It literally feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. But it was good for me to just be out and chat with Sveta.

Almagul stopped by tonight and we talked a lot about the case and just a few other things. It helps when she and Sveta spend time just hanging out. Thank God I at least have very good people around me. Everyone has been great. I get frustrated by the process, but I know they are doing everything in their power and all working extra hard for us.

I have been praying and praying all the time. I know so many others who are praying with me and I am grateful for that. Let's just hope God hears our prayers and lifts Stephen up out of this mess and into our arms.

Weary

I am beginning to unravel at the seams. My second wind has come and gone and I am running on empty at this point. The thought of not coming home with Stephen is unbearable. I found out that if the urban court bounces this case back to the rural court and if they approve the adoption in spite of Inna’s objection…I would have to go through ANOTHER 15 day waiting period! His first birthday is just around the corner on April 25th. I want to be with him. I haven’t seen him in fifteen days and it is killing me.

I pray that the urban court makes a decision…black and white ~ yes or no. I can’t go on like this anymore. I never intended to take up residence in Kazakhstan to fight an interminable court battle. I ask myself every day how this can be happening and why us. Right now I need a tremendous amount of healing. I do not want to see anyone except my husband and, God willing, our son. I simply want to go home. If that means I return home being defeated to an empty nursery and no hope of being a mother then so be it, but I need to go home very, very soon. God have mercy on me.

Day 51

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be here, on Day 51, facing this next hurdle. How can I not be angry when so many others have come and gone ~ their adoptions no doubt stressful and with its share of obstacles…but ultimately ending in joy? I can’t help but feel bitter that this is happening to us, especially after losing Stas. It just seems cruel and unjustified.

I can’t begin to explain how desperately I want to go home. I miss my husband and I miss being home. I have a greater appreciation for all of the luxuries we have and take for granted. I want my son to get on that plane with me and return to our life in America ~ a new chapter for all of us.

I struggle with my feelings toward Inna. One part of me has pity for her and the circumstances she was placed in that led to her less than ideal position in life right now. Another part of me is seething with anger as I learn new information every day about the conditions Stephen lived in during his first 18 days of life ~ and throughout her pregnancy. There is little doubt that she drank during the pregnancy. Almagul spent several hours talking to the police officer that took him from her and the conditions he found the baby in. When he first arrived there were several people there, all drunk, and Stephen was screaming his head off – most likely hungry. Inna returned after two hours and the police took her and the baby to the orphanage. She was quiet the entire time and did not object to bringing the baby to the orphanage. They admitted him there and that was the last she ever saw of him.

Sadly, my suspicions regarding this man who is her Power of Attorney were confirmed. The police officer knows who he is and said he is not a good person at all. God only knows the relationship he has with Inna or his motivations for helping her. Trafficking and prostitution are HUGE problems here, particularly among teen orphans and street teens.

Joe and I are hoping to know the ruling by Friday. As I said in a previous post…these things are decided before court. A great many efforts have been made by everyone involved and we are so thankful for the diligence of those fighting for us. Almagul is sick right now and didn’t get home until 9 pm last night after working all day without lunch. Axana has worked hard behind the scenes to gather statements about Inna’s character. The social workers, doctors and director at the baby house have all prepared detailed statements and covered all their bases with documentation. Even the first judge who ruled in our favor has done his share to help. We couldn’t ask for more. There is not a single hole I our case. Her only ground at this point is that she gave birth to him.

I have been warned that her Power of Attorney will lost likely bring the press along with him to court. I could care less. Freedom of the Press is not like the freedoms afforded in the US. Bringing the press is only going to aggravate the judges.

Just Another Day in Paradise...

Well, the good news is that I did receive a glimmer of hope from the judge who approved our adoption to begin with. He said he feels we have a chance. I also got clarification about the make-up of the panel of judges who will hear our case on the 17th. There are three judges and they are all women. This could be a positive right?

Thank God for Sveta - she came and picked me up today after being inside since Saturday afternoon. She also brought me three books in English - one is Danielle Steel :) At least I have something to read. Sveta has quite a lot of work to do right now because she has to translate all of these documents for me into English and translate mine into Russian. Thank God she is a pro! I was also glad to hear that she is the one who will have to interpret for me on the 17th because she was the one who signed the first time.

I asked to see Stephen, but the answer is no. I miss him so much. I miss my hubby more than anything in the world. I hate being away from him this long. It will be pure joy to see him again when I get home - and pure bliss if I have Stephen with me!

My Favorite Holiday

I have always loved Easter...obviously as a child it is so much fun to hunt for eggs and eat lots of chocolate:) As an adult though it is one of the few holidays that has not become too commercial and there is no pressure of what you "should" be doing on this day. It is a day to simply focus on our Father and the precious gift of salvation through His son.

I am so sad though. I miss Stephen so, so much. All I can do is go through the pictures over and over. Many have asked whether or not I am able to see him until court - sadly, NO. I hate it. There is already nothing to do here - seeing him was the only thing I had to look forward to each day.

Joe and I are hoping to get some inside information on "our chances" by tomorrow. We want to know if this is really a losing battle or if there is hope. I need to get out of here before I lose my mind. This inside information will be pretty conclusive. Apparently, most of these court decisions are made way before you even get to court. We will make our decision based on whatever information we receive.

Sadly, the "crazy lady" who e-mailed me when she was angry about losing her "referral" has arrived and I was told she was only shown unhealthy children. Orson apparently told her after she complained to him that he doesn't give a shit about her! WOW! I do pray that there is a child here for her. There must be at least one girl or boy who needs a home. As hurt and angry as I was at her horrible words...I do not wish this kind of pain on anyone.

Here is an update on my so-called best friend: she called me the day after we found out about Stephen's mother coming back and had the gall to complain to me about how I was treating her! Needless to say ~ the conversation was not pretty. She had the nerve to ask me "What did you expect me to call you every day?" Ummm...no, but once a week would have been nice - especially after I told you I needed you to call! Our friendship is over. I have no regrets and will never second-guess my decision. There are simply some things that friends must be there for - and this was certainly one of them. I would not give my friends anything less than I am asking in return. The timing could not have been worse, but I have other things to worry about right now. I forgive her, but she has lost the privilege of my friendship forevermore. I would rather be alone than be in a relationship that the other person does not value.

P.S. ~ Check out "Today's Verse" at the top of my blog. It is the perfect prayer for the circumstances and I am going to say it over and over until court.

Day 47

I am beginning to feel like I am trapped inside a movie set. The scenes are being played out convincingly by every member of the cast and I have only been placed here as an extra. I am not sure what to expect at any given moment as I have not been provided a script; I simply do what they tell me to do. With each new scene I attempt to anticipate what will happen next. I speculate, predict, infer – and yet when the action begins again I am always taken by surprise.

Many people have suggested this is a set-up. People insinuate that perhaps Inna wants money, but Inna plays only a small part in this show. She is a minor static character. More importantly, the motives of the main character, her Power of Attorney, are what I question. This man is in his mid-fifties and claims he was a friend of her parents. Considering that their character is not one of integrity, I can only deduce the same character of this man. So often we are prone to hypothesize a multitude of scandalous or exaggerated plots when it may indeed boil down to the simplest answer. This is what I struggle with every minute of the day: Is this simply a matter of Inna wanting the only thing she has in this world or is there more to this story than meets the eye? Unfortunately, if I take action based on the latter I could seriously misjudge and jeopardize our chances of getting Stephen. I am not only faced with my own conjectures, but those of all parties involved. Everyone has their angle.

I have sifted through countless legal documents. It appears that every one of the grounds cited by the prosecutor as means for termination of this adoption can be refuted. Of seven reasons outlined as justification for a child to be eligible for adoption, three of them apply in this case. You only need one! All of the steps articulated in the law pertaining to adoption of a minor child by foreigners have been followed precisely. This morning I confirmed that the one loophole I thought gave them the greatest advantage is not one they can use as we have the documentation to rebut that as well. The lawyer assisting me was even able to procure a statement from the police officers who removed Stephen from her custody!

There are a few other behind-the-scenes attempts being made to assure that Stephen is placed with us…but the moment of truth will be in that courtroom on April 18th. I wish I had a crystal ball. I wish that I had some peace of mind or comfort that God was going to show his hand in this, but I don’t. I am emotionally exhausted and mentally reaching a point of exasperation. I cannot accept that God has led us half way around the world after a grueling process only to have children capture our hearts and then be ripped away. God cannot be that cruel. For this to end with me getting on that plane alone and returning to an empty nursery only to begin again is just something I can’t fathom or accept as God’s will. One setback I can conquer. We have even endured a second enormous setback when we lost Stas; but for Stephen to remain here in an orphanage in hopes that his biological mother may someday be able to take him out is something I can’t wrap my mind around. That could not possibly be what God wants for this child.

Thank you for all of your e-mails and calls. Please continue to pray…and Karla, yes you may give that gals of CPAK my e-mail for the blog invite. I need prayer warriors!

Always a "Loophole"

First, there are a few people who asked if it was okay to post something on their blog requesting prayers for us and by all means, yes, please do so...we really new prayers.

Second, as black and white as our case appears, there is always a "loophole" that can be used to support the prosecuter and Inna's position. I have found two specific areas of the law that are weak due to vaguely stated terms/generalizations that could be open to inerepretation. There is also one step in the adoption process (in order to a child to be "available" for adoption) that I am not certain the baby house followed and I am waiting to find out the answer to that question.

In all honesty, I have the gut feeling that we are not going to win this. However, I have to see it through to the end for my own peace of mind so I can walk away knowing I did everything possible to bring Stephen home and fight against this injustice.

Thankfully, the representative from the Ministry of Education is a lawyer and has agreed to write up and submit the appeal for me. The judge had suggested I have the appeal prepaed by a lawyer. She asked me to prepare a statement including everything I want to say: feelings, opinions, facts, laws, etc... So I have just finished the first draft and would like opinions please.

Here it is:
At the time of this court hearing, April 17, 2007, I have been in your country for the purpose of adopting for fifty-seven days. I have spent 34 of those days bonding with the minor child, Andrey Knyazev, who was presented to me and my husband as being available for adoption on March 1, 2007. I am confident that this is the first time in the history of adoption by foreigners that on two separate occasions, for two separate children, the birthmother has reappeared out of thin air after abandoning their child for nearly a year. The first time this happened to my husband and me we were devastated, but we felt that we must move forward and find another child…that child is Andrey.

You can’t imagine the shock we felt after completing the bonding period and going to court, having the judge approve our adoption and completing the fifteen day waiting period I was informed that his biological mother has contested this adoption. I cannot describe the grief I feel over this situation. For the record, I believe the laws which allow a couple to bond with a child, submit the application to adopt that child and go to court for the purposes of adopting that child only to have the birthmother return at her leisure is absurd. It is harmful to all parties involved and your nation as a whole.

I feel that these innocent children are dropped off like laundry that can be picked up whenever these women please with no regard to the devastating consequences and lifelong ramifications that the child will suffer. As good and wonderful as the caregivers are and exceptionally well run a baby house is, the fact remains that institutionalization is far from being the most suitable environment for a child to grow and flourish and reach his or her potential. Inna, her siblings, and her birth parents are the ideal example of the vicious cycle of poverty and family dysfunction that leads to numerous negative social issues. You now have another generation of orphaned children being victimized by the selfish and irresponsible behaviors of the biological parents.

This young girl has been absent for nearly a year. I call her a girl and not a woman as she is obviously not a woman who recognizes the consequences of her actions nor does she accept personal responsibility for her actions and decisions. Rather, she is a child who has for nearly a year put herself and her own desires before the needs of her child and now selfishly wants to prevent him from having the love, life, family and opportunities that he deserves. It is clear from all of the documentation from the Director of the baby house and the Ministry of Education that attempts were made to find Inna. However, her last registered address was the orphanage in which she was registered and no longer resides. In the course of a year she has had only 18 days of direct contact with her son before he was taken away by the police after they were called by a neighbor complaining of numerous drunken strangers, loud parties and a constantly crying baby. The police obviously deemed it necessary to remove Andrey from that environment. That was the last time she saw her son. She then has the audacity to lie in her appeal stating that she, with the assistance of her former orphanage director, placed him in the baby house. She even gave an incorrect date of birth for Andrey in her letter to the court! Are these the actions of a fit mother? I say no. I am this child’s mother. His eyes light up when I come into the room and he cries in my absence. I have been with him when he was sick in the orphanage and my husband and I know all of his habits. We love him – he is our son. He knows us as his Mama and Papa.

She has known where her son is for all of this time and yet she has chosen to not visit him in the baby house. There is no excuse for this. She does not presently have a home or a job and is pregnant again by a man who is in jail! She does not have the emotional stability or financial means necessary to raise Andrey and provide him with the medical care he presently needs. He will be one year old on April 25 and he cannot sit up on his own. His physical and cognitive development is greatly delayed. Inna proposed that he remain in the baby house until she can provide for him. This is unacceptable as this is based on an unknown and uncertain possibility that she will eventually be capable of caring for him. Considering she is not able to support herself or the child she will give birth to in the near future I see no possibility that she can care for Andrey in a timely fashion. His developmental delays will only multiply the longer he remains in the baby house.

The prosecutor claims that this adoption is illegal and yet this is not true. The rules regulating the centralized registration of orphans were approved by the decree # 1346 of August 09, 1999 of the Government of the Republic of Kazakhstan according to paragraph 5 of the article 209 of the Law on "Marriage and Family" states:

Minor children are eligible for adoption if their parent(s) either
died,
or are unknown or were found missing or dead by the court;
or were found incapable by the court;
or were deprived of their parental rights by the court;
or gave an official permission for the adoption of their child;
or for no good reasons avoid their parental responsibilities;
or do not live with their child for over 6 months;
or avoid the upbringing and support their child.

Andrey is eligible for adoption by the establisment of two of the above points: his parent(s) did not live with him for over six months and have avoided the upbringing and support of their child. Furthremore, according to Aricle 82, point seven, the court has the right to make a decision in interests of the child about his (its) adoption without the consent of the persons specified in Points 1, 4-6 of the said Article. Last, to determine that the child is an orphan as defined by U.S. Immigration Law it is stated that “If no parental relinquishment letter exists, an original written explanation from the maternity hospital or local police station describing how and when the child was abandoned and a certification from the police or the Address Bureau that the mother could not be located is required. If the hospital statement or other document provides an address for the mother, there must also be a statement from the adoption agency representative indicating that s/he has visited the address and the mother is not residing there.”

All of the above grounds apply in this case and it is my sincere hope that the court do what is best for the child, as the law establishes is the paramount objective and charge of the court under Decision No. 17 of December 22, 2002 of the plenum of the Supreme Court of the Republic of Kazakhstan, and stand by decision #10/815 of March 19, 2007 in the urban court, to grant the adoption of Andrey Knyazev. Any other ruling sends the message that the orphanaed children in Kazakhstan are of no value and that their lives are at the mercy and whim of selfish, irresponsible birthmothers and a system which holds nobody accountable for the future and welfare of of its’ orphaned children.

Going One Last Round in the Ring

I can’t believe I am doing this and may just be setting myself up for failure and more heartache, but I am staying here and going to fight for our son in a higher court on April 17th. There was so much information thrown at me today I can hardly keep it all straight. First, let me say that this scenario has never been brought to court in Ust-Kamengorsk and probably not in any other region here in Kazakhstan. I am certainly not happy to be the one breaking new ground as far as this is concerned, but I am going to see this through to the end so I can leave knowing I did everything I could in my power to bring our son home.

At court yesterday it was much more informal than I anticipated and although I expected Stephen’s biological mother to be there (or her Power of Attorney) she was not required to be there. This meeting was more of a formality to explain to me the situation, my rights and where things go from here. The judge explained that since the biological mother wrote an appeal objecting/contesting the legality of the adoption it is now being objected by the prosecutor in her defense. He must now defer this case to the regional court of East Kazakhstan who will have to decide. They have three options: decide in favor of the prosecutor and biological mother that her rights were infringed upon; decide in favor of me and Joe as the adoptive parents; Or they can throw their hands up and volley it back to the urban court (with a different judge presiding) and tell them to figure the whole mess out.

Here is the information I learned today about Stephen’s biological mother (some of which I already knew): She is presently 18 years old and will turn 19 in May. She was raised in an orphanage along with six other brothers and sisters after their parents were deprived of their rights (due to neglect or abuse). Two of the seven children were adopted and two of the children are still in an orphanage. The remaining children have “aged out” from the orphanage…including his biological mother. Her name is Inna…so now I can stop typed “biological mother” a hundred times :)

Inna’s “history” as far as residence and where she has been is a bit complicated to understand since they have various programs here for orphans (and translation is a bit difficult). Basically, she was living in an orphanage for older children and attended a sort of trade school. In 2005 she was finished with her school program and apparently was living in some kind of group home. I am not sure of the specifics of this setting, but she was no longer in the orphanage. This is where she was living when she gave birth to Stephen. She gave birth and did indeed leave the maternity hospital with him. She apparently brought him to live with her in this group home/dorm. After eighteen days the neighbors called the police and complained that the people living there were loud, partying, drinking and that there was a baby and he was crying all the time and they felt he was not being cared for. The police arrived and found drinking, strangers, unclean living conditions etc… and removed Stephen immediately. He was taken to the baby house and this is documented in a police report.

When a child enters the baby house in this manner the director must attempt to deprive the birthmother’s rights, but obviously cannot do that without finding her first. A social worker attempted to find the mother by obtaining her last registered address. Turns out the registered address she gave was the orphanage where she grew up and no longer lived. They also went to the residence where Stephen was taken from by the police and she was not there and nobody knew anything about her or where she was.

So now that makes him an “abandoned orphan” according to their laws. Children who are abandoned must be entered into a centralized database system regionally for three months and nationally for three months for a total of 6 months before they can be adopted by foreigners. This procedure was followed and has been confirmed. Keep in mind here that nobody knew where she was, but she knew exactly where her son was. To make this long story short ~ Stephen came off the registry the day we lost Stas (coincidentally) –March 1st. That is when he was shown to me and the bonding period clock starting ticking. When an adoptive family begins the bonding process, that information is registered in the government databank. This is how she found out that he was being adopted. She attempted to get information after our court date (which she did not know had occurred already), but was not able to access this information because it is private under Kazakhstan law. She enlisted the assistance of a man who was a friend of her parents, gave him POA and started a letter writing campaign complaining to every government agency here that her rights were bring violated and that this adoption was illegal. Her “petition” reached the court on the fifteenth day of our waiting period.

So, Inna and the prosecutor are claiming that this adoption is illegal on the grounds that she did not give consent for him to be adopted. Under Kazakhstan law (Decree #1346 of August 9, 1999 of the Government of Kazakhstan, Paragraph 5 of Article 209 of the law on “Marriage and Family”) minor children are eligible for adoption if their parent(s) either

1. died;
2. are unknown or were found missing or dead by the court;
3. were found incapable by the court;
4. were deprived of their parental rights by the court;
5. gave an official permission for the adoption of their child;
6. or for no good reasons avoid their parental responsibilities;
7. or do not live with their child for over six months or avoid upbringing and support for reasons recognized by the court as disrespectful [inadequate].

Furthermore, Article 82 of Resolution #1564 states that the biological parents consent is not needed if any of the above circumstances apply. I have been researching this non-stop (aren’t you proud Muriel…now I can be a partner in your law firm – lol).

So Inna and the prosecutor are claiming that although she falls under category number seven above…it is due to hardships and extenuating circumstances that have not been taken into account by the court. She states in her letter that she “may meet a good man who will adopt him and marry her.” However, PRESENTLY she has no home or apartment of her own and has no job…but even more SHOCKING…she is pregnant again and the father is in jail!!!

She is currently on a waiting list for public housing. She is hoping some time in the future she can come and get him from the orphanage, but for now ~ she just wants him to stay there in case her fairy tale imaginary prince comes and rescues her and the fairy godmother turns her into a REAL mother. Uuumm…yeah – someone was apparently read one too many Cinderella stories in the ol’ Kazak orphanage!

The judge that presided over our first court hearing (the one that granted the adoption) is standing by his decision and recommends that Stephen’s adoption be finalized. Furthermore, the representative from the MOE, the director of the orphanage, the head doctor of the baby house and the social worker of the baby house have all gathered documents proving that several of her statements are lies and ALL parties are requesting that the court finalize our adoption in the best interest of the child.

Her lies are as follows:

She claims that after she gave birth and left the maternity house she “fed and took are of him for several months.”

FACT: She had him for 18 days until the police came and took him away from her!

She claims that she was the one (with the assistance of her previous orphanage director) who took him to the baby house so he could be cared for.

FACT: Again, there is a police report proving that she did not bring him to the baby house out of some motherly attempt to get her child care…the police took him there!

She claims she visited him in the orphanage.

FACT: She has never been to the orphanage to visit her son. ANYONE who comes to the baby house must sign in and everything is documented.

She claims nobody attempted to find her or notify her.

FACT: She has not established a legal residence to date. The only registered address in the government address databank is the last orphanage she was in. The social worker did go to both of her last places of residence and she was not there and nobody could offer any information regarding her whereabouts.

Ironically, she also stated in her letter that her child was born on February 26, 2006…his date of birth is March 26, 2006!

So, if any logical governing body examined all of the evidence they would be on crack to rule in her favor. HOWEVER, this is Kazakhstan ~ a country where the motto should be “Never say never!” or “We make things up as we go along!” – one can never tell what the court’s decision will be.

Prayers and prayer chains are greatly appreciated :) We need all the help we can get.

Not Sure There is a Good Title for This Post...

My heart aches so deeply and I am so empty that all it does is amplify the pain as it echoes back to me over and over – with no where else to go but dead center in my chest. I have been staring at the walls of this apartment since the news that Stephen’s mother magically came back to claim that her child is being adopted illegally and she did not want this and blah, blah, blah… In the end – does it really matter what she says? Does it really matter what her reasons are for abandoning her son for nearly a year? As far as I am concerned it is the worst form of child abuse there is because it cuts to the very core of the human soul – the desire and constant search for belonging and unconditional love. It is without a doubt the greatest human need – to know you are loved and cherished. She will find it hard to reconcile the emptiness she has given as a legacy to her son; a legacy she no doubt bears herself as I have learned she too grew up in an orphanage.

As I stood looking out the window in the back of the apartment I felt like a dagger was being twisted in my heart as each child walked by holding their mother’s hand. A few hundred yards away there were four or five boys no more than seven years old playing a game of tag. I can’t help but wonder if Stephen will someday play tag with a group of friends amid the backdrop of mud and stray dogs that are as commonplace here as well manicured lawns are back home. He will never know that I am a million miles away thinking of him on some future starry night as his birthday comes and goes one year into the next. He will never know what could have been – what may have come in his life had he been given a chance.

It was easy to see that the game of tag these boys were playing was one with “safe zones;” The kind that when you are standing on it or touching it you are “safe” from being tagged. I can’t help but wish, for once in my life, that there was a “safe zone” where I was untouchable – safe from being “tagged” by devastation and despair. At this point in my life, however, I have experienced enough heartache, loss, and disappointment to know that there is no such thing as a safe zone. I feel as though I were just dropped in the middle of a war zone with no camouflage and nothing to defend myself with. I am out in the open and exposed to anything, anyone and any circumstance that wishes to tear my heart out on a whim.

Almagul came back this evening to explain what happens from here. Although we go to court tomorrow at 5 pm…the judge cannot make a final ruling as this is now out of his jurisdiction (which still makes me wonder why we are even going there in that case). The biological mother and her representative (some guy she gave power of attorney to) will be there, me, the director of the baby house, the representative from the MOE, the social worker assigned to Stephen’s case, my translator/coordinator and the prosecutor. I am not sure what to expect since this is one of those rare events in Kazakhstan that coincidentally happened to us twice now! I swear I feel like it is a twisted psychotic game someone is playing on us. Things like this just don’t happen to anyone…so why us?

Anyway, the case now has to go to a higher court – the regional court – in two weeks. That is the court that will decide. The representative from the MOE told Almagul that this has happened twice in the past. In one case the court ruled in favor of the biological mother and in the other case the court ruled in favor of the adoptive parents. His biological mother is 19 years old, unemployed, unwed and does not own anything of value. I am not sure how on earth the court will decide it is in the child’s best interest to rule in her favor…but I am pretty confident that they will since nothing has gone in our favor thus far. Rather than stay here another two weeks only to most likely get stabbed in the heart again when the court rules in her favor…I am coming home. If by some miracle – we are indeed granted the adoption officially I will have to fly back about 2 weeks after the court ruling.

In a nutshell Joe and I are flat broke as we have spent every penny we have on this adoption; I need to return to work or lose my job; We lost one referral that was a photolisting only to finally get here and begin bonding with our second referral whose mother decided to come back on his birthday (of course after we threw a party and had cake and took tons of pictures feeling on cloud nine); forged forward and selected Stephen, bonded, made it to the 15th day of the waiting period and sat here joyously waiting to pick him up at 3:00 pm only to be dealt the lowest blow of all at noon being told that Stephen’s mother came back too and is now contesting the adoption. With any luck my plane will crash and I will be put out of my misery. Oh…and just to add icing to the cake…my best friend of 28 years has officially decided it was a good time to completely fuck me up the ass and has not called me at all and stopped e-mailing me when she was fed up with my insistent request for a reason as to why she has not been there for me during the most difficult time of my life. And please – don’t send me any messages about how a Christian should not use that language. I do not fear going to hell at this point since I am living in it right now.

GOD HELP ME

Almagul just informed me that Stephen's mother came back! I have to go to court tomorrow night at 5 pm...the mother and all other parties will be present. The odds of us being granted this adoption are slim to none. I am coming home on the first flight available. God have mercy on me please.

GOTCHA DAY!

First, apparently God is a divine member of the Geek Squad (only those who have this service in their state/country will understand) because miraculously my computer was able to get on the internet today! Today is the day I have been waiting for! I get to take Stephen out of the orphanage and back to the apartment with me! I am so excited! I am so nervous! This is our first child...so I am naturally praying that I don't break him, lose him, starve or dehydrate him or scar him emotionally for life during our time alone :) Anyone had the crazy dream where you lose your baby... simply misplaced him or forget him in the supermarket? Is that a common "mommy" dream? Uuuggh!

I cleaned the apartment like I have never cleaned before. I am actually happy there are fake hardwood floors in here (that vinyl flooring everyone my age had in their kitchen growing up in the 70's-80's). I laid out all my little blankets and spread his toys out everywhere so he can crawl around and get some exercise. I inflated the ducky tub and I am all ready to give my son his first luxury bath! Not the first time I have bathed a child...but when it is the first time you are bathing your own child it suddenly seems much more ceremonious! I don't know what is wrong with me...I have taken care of so many babies and taught preschool...yet I feel like I have no idea what I am doing. Let me right again in a minute - Almagul just got here and it doesn't seem good.

I Just Have No Luck

I moved into the new apartment...not far from Daniel's for those who have been here. The apartment is fine - very big. Only two problems - I no longer am able to get CNN or the music channel. To add to that we cannot seem to get my internet access to work anymore. Lucky me. Now I can't watch TV or surf the net. So I get to stare at the wall. For those who have asked...no there are no day trips - this place is a shithole - not a tourist attraction. There are no other families here - everyone went back (except me who is wondering why the heck I did this to myself).

For those who want to call it is easier for me to post the new number here than e-mail everyone: 011-7-3232-47-97-32. I am at the interenet cafe right now. I am not sure when I will post again...so talk to ya later.